Three months...

All right, well I've got about three months until The Fast is over.  With this in mind, I'm starting to lift my chin up and pay attention more to people from a romantic standpoint.  I even flirted a little the other day.  I'm a liiiittle rusty, but it's kinda like jumping on a bike.

So a young man wandered into my purview.  I'd always kind of thought he was intriguing...dark haired, quiet, different, very much my type in theory, but I'm on fast and we worked together so I pretty much ignored the inkling.  But we no longer work together, and here I am on my way out of this fast.  We ended up at the same restaurant with a group of friends and we spent the night chatting primarily with one another.  Nice start.  He's got this intense stare.  I like it a lot.  I don't anticipate him contacting me, however.  Remember me saying he was quiet?  Code for awkward.  I LOVE awkward.  But it does make interaction difficult.

Also there are the holidays coming up.  These are intrinsically lonely times.  I'd like to one day settle down and get married...the kid part remains to be seen, but maybe that would evolve.  In this same vein, I found out my ex-boyfriend from college just got engaged.  Awesome.

Okay, winter here is just miserable, rainy and cold, but it also comes with the knowledge that in two-three months the sun's going to be out for eight months straight, and the hills that have only just regained their emerald luster will begin to fade to a brilliant gold, and about a billion plants will spring up, wildflowers in the glens while hiking, and the air will smell sweet in the heat courtesy of the sexy Ponderosa pine.  Man, I love California.  When it quits raining I need to get back to exercising and snap this body back into shape.  After all, no one's seen me naked since frickin' March.

A Revelation

Hi blog,

Alright, well I've been spending a lot of time alone lately (duh) for the purposes of figuring myself out.  I'm enjoying taking classes and exploring my inner-space, but for the first time since I can really remember, I actually feel lonely.  I've always been running too fast, going too many places, doing too many activities to ever feel it.

It isn't a sad kind of lonely, like needing someone to fill some void, to make me whole.  It's more that I just realized human beings are intrinsically social creatures.  I mean, I'm completely fine by myself, but with the right person I'm better.  That's what I need to look for.  It isn't ok to settle for who's around, thinking it will grow into something comfortable and convenient.  It might even be a struggle sometimes, but to reach another level of ... me, I need others.  Be they friends, family, or significant partner, others are a very important part of who I am and who I'll be.

So as I was browsing through J-date, wondering if I was even allowed to look, I laughed at my interest and closed my browser.  I can't even get into this stuff until I'm free to get out there and jump in with all my clothes on.  All in or nothin'!  Til April, if someone interesting walks up to me in person, I can keep them in mind for Spring.  By then I'll be downright rusty on social gatherings and will need someone to guide me, show the ropes again, then help me climb to brand new heights.

Reading:

East vs West

Well hello Blog, and good morning to you, viewers.

This might be a little bit quick, because I'm running out the door to go see the new visitor's center at the Capital building, but holy moley.  As a people watcher, I just gotta say, people in California are inordinately pretty in comparison to the rest of the country.  I'm off on Thanksgiving holiday, away from the beloved bay area, and I am just coming to realize that I am a spoiled brat.  The mindset, the hipster kids, the over-all stylishness...California kicks ass on all counts.

Well, East Coast, I'm in my old home-town haunts.  Wow me.

Currently reading:

Kids

Okay.  I have nothing against kids, per se.  Most of the kids I meet are pretty awesome...actually I'm finding kids a lot more tolerable than I used to in my younger days.  But enough is enough.

Having kids is an entirely selfish act these days.  We are way past "bust" as a species, but modern medicine is sustaining our obscene numbers.  Yes, my green roots are showing -- I'm an environmentalist at heart.  All the advocating and good behavior on my part can't put a dent in the monstrosity that is 7 billion in population.  It was 6 billion when we spoke about population issues in undergrad!  6.5 in grad school ... 7 now.  WTF is happening, people??  Can it really be considered responsible for some religions to denounce birth control?

Religions must be advocating for human rights, for "dominion" over nature, but to consider human beings as outside of nature, apart from it, as though the earth will simply bend to the will of an out-of-control replicating species.  An ecosystem will bend, but eventually the singular species has the break.  This "break" comes in the form of famine, drought, overall suffering.  How can a religion advocate for this.

Intellectually, I get this.  But when you think about yourself and that other person you've managed to find that you think might be good enough to replicate with, you think ... man, I'd sure like to see what a combo of me and him would be like.  And, selfishly on my part, I'd like to be able to eat whatever I wanted for nine months without thinking about my figure.

Of course this is all theoretical at this point.  If the time comes ... dammit, I might just have a lil critter.  And maybe two so the kid has a friend.  What IS that? Am I crazy?  I recycle, I have my own meal worm bin to compost in my back yard, I haven't used a heater in five years to save energy, but I would bring forth the most energy intensive, resource guzzling, super-parasite on the planet: an American.  Man.  Hormones do a number on the logical brain.

So this may be my most controversial post ever.  Sorry.  It just crossed my mind now while I'm still rational.  If I have kids, I'm sure I'll intellectually justify my decision on the other side. Like: well, the world needs more rational beings, why not some of mine?  I will look back on this post and try to kill my doubt.

Check the fun stuff I've been thinking about with my Amazon links.  Population Reduction is a band a friend of mine started in college.  He's the drummer...and a screamer.  There's only two members.  He always characterized the music as "grindcore."  Pop bomb I read back around then, and Idiocracy has an opening sequence that typifies a lot of what I think about the human population today ... and why maybe smart people, the ones that justify waiting or abstaining, should start cranking out a kid or two.  So many conflicting messages!  Help me Jeebus!

A new proposal

Alright, so I am now thinking of a two year project in which the first I fast (drought) and the second I am completely open to all viable relationships (deluge).  My friend R is currently rocking the deluge.  The plan is to write this into a two-part or two-person book, one on the drought and one on the deluge.  However, we brainstormed that it'd be quite interesting if we each did both.

You might ask 'why'?  Well, drought is kinda easy for me as an introvert, and deluge is relatively easy for R because she's an extrovert.  The flip side is going to be tough for each of us...and it will probably make for the most-interesting stint of this project for us both.

Logistics, we still have to plan.  The thought of opening myself up to heartbreak is quite scary.  However, who knows?  What if it leads me to a fulfilling relationship?

In other news, to coin a new term: boomerangs.  These are the dudes that can't handle me when I'm around but totally miss me when they or I move away.  Facebook friends.  iPhone texts. "Hey when you're in town we should hang out"s.  Boomerangs.  I'm awesome, fellas.  Figure that out before you run from my awesomeness. Boomerangs are lame.

Alright, it's late.  Sleepy time.

Let the rain begin

Remember all that awesome weather I was talking about around five minutes ago?  We are now in Bay Area's rainy season.  So for the next four months it will be soggy and gray...a good time for the fast.

The lovely Giants and their march to the World Series have provided me with some pretty awesome entertainment, even without liking baseball much.  It's also provided me with some killer eye-candy when going out to watch the games at bars and restaurants.  It's all just an excuse to go out and hang with friends, anyway. 

I dreamt about kissing one of my friends last night.  Yikes!  It isn't uncommon for me to have sex dreams, but this was different than that ... it was actually pretty sweet.  He was really awkward and didn't know what to do...then he leaned over and kissed me.  I was pleasantly surprised; it was nice.  Of course when you're dreaming you don't think about consequences, or have any sense at all.  In real life would be the voice inside my head screaming "no!"  But here we are.  A starved mind gets creative, I guess.

Speaking of awkward yet awesome, my friend L and I are thinking of putting together a trip to Peru for a Spanish Immersion adventure.  Living in California has brought up the need for Spanish...I took French in high school (ha, that was applicable!), which helps in some cases, and confuses me in others.  I'm really not a language person, but when I'm surrounded it, it kind of sinks in.  The trip will be fun!  I'm there to see some ruins for sure.

Check out what I'm reading these days, so you can climb inside my head.  Til next time...

Quandry

Wow, way more than the next day, right!

I am currently pondering a very important question.  The purpose of this fast is to bring me to a new maturity level so I can be prepared to enter into positive relationships once it is over.  But is it helpful, then, to curb the chance at a fun and possibly fulfilling relationship purely for the sake of this artificial relationship-free period?

Of course I only ask myself things like this after the fact.  There's no way to build on this relationship now.  The opportunity has passed.  To preserve fast, I had to completely remove myself from the situation in which I saw this person every day.  It was getting too hard...and awkward.  I'd forgotten how uncomfortable sexual tension can be when you can't do anything about it.  It's fun when there's a chance of satisfaction. Otherwise it just kind of sucks.

Well, today is a Climate Change Action Day!  10/10/10! So I'm not taking my car anywhere today.  It's feet and public transport.  My grocery list will have to wait til tomorrow when I can schlep everything back to the apartment in a car.  The weather has provided a lovely day for walking, and all the young people are out and about.  Calif., you really can bring the sexy weather!  Now bring me some young men to match!

We rejoin our broadcast day!

Hey America!

I was just without internet for almost an entire month...excluding the iPhone of course.  So much has happened, so much to tell!  But it's so very late here and I am irritably tired.  So I will save it, hopefully for tomorrow afternoon if I can swing it.  This weekend I have three soccer games, a barbeque and a night out drinking with a friend scheduled.  I hope I can do it all.  C'mon, busted ankle, you can do this...

In other news, I've figured out my enneagram type.  Type five.  Clearly type five, with four wing.  If you don't know what that means, feel free to read up.  I'm linking one of the books I used.  Very fun if you're into self-discovery, as I have become during this journey.

The fast soldiers on...getting harder day by day.  The old libido is awake in this, the awesome days of Calif. weather.  Like spring but better.

Until tomorrow (or as soon as I can get back to my computer), sleep tight, America.

My worst nightmare

Today in singles class, we're going to talk about or faults and triumphs and barriers to close connections. As in, everyone in the group will kind of critique all other members in the group.  Yikes.  I do not enjoy verbally critiquing people. That's what the inside of my head is for.  And I certainly do not like to have critiques hurled at me when I cannot rebut.

The format of this lesson is like being in writing workshop.  You sit in the hotseat and take notes without addressing the  comments coming your way.  If the teacher (or therapist in this case) is nice, you get two minutes at the end of the session to make your case.  It sounds terrible, but you get totally used to it.  If I approach it in this manner, as outside novice eyes taking in something you've taken years (well, decades in the case of my psyche) to bring to fruition, one can ingest criticism and process the good stuff while dumping the bad.  And my mother said writing classes would never help me in real life!

I'll let you know how this personality workshop thing goes.

On another note, in piggy-back to my last post, my very good friend L, mentioned in my Love vs Lust post way back in June, was my roommate for quite some time.  I wonder if the forced intimacy of living situation falsely makes one believe in a connection that isn't as strong as they imagine?  Or maybe it forces a person to delve deeper into another person than they may have if meeting incidentally on a street corner.  Any thoughts?

I have been called cheerful or always happy or chipper or "damn chipper" about a half-dozen times this week.  These are all things my ex-boyfriend and friends would never call me because I was always gloomy with them.  I interpreted this as my being more serious than they were (because they were some silly, silly guys), but now I look back and realize I was simply unhappy.  I can actually be silly around people I truly adore.  I can also be quietly introspective without tension taut enough to force me to speak.  I think, there-in lies a truly happy and fulfilling relationship, in which the two extremes can co-exist.  One doesn't always have to be "on" to please the other person.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you find yourself bending too much to the other's moods, it's time to bail.

Also, I'm moving to Oakland.  If anyone knows anything fun to do, let me know.

A discussion among friends

So a certain topic came up lately, that I'm sure you, America, have wondered about.  What of the innocent pass-time of ahem "self pleasure"?  Is this allowed on fast?

Short answer is, it hasn't come up yet, so there have been no definite rules laid down on my part.  Or I guess that's the long answer  Short answer is "yes."  I grew up Catholic, so stuff like this was forbidden to discuss.  Well I'm grown the hell up now, and the practice has it's place.  It keeps you from going crazy sometimes, and I think it'll come up eventually in my journey.  If it helps me stick to my fast (and Lord, it's getting harder and harder) I will employ it.

And speaking of...there must be something about a boy you'll probably never spend much time with ever again.  Men can be difficult to pin down, but when you incidentally LIVE with them, they kinda become a part of your brain. And then you miss them when they aren't there, like a memory you can't quite get a hold on, but you know it's important.  *shrugs*  It's too late for me to be thinking of this; I should be sleeping.

I was just watching True Blood.  Anyone else think Erik is way better than Bill?  Bill's boring.  Sorry.

Don't forget how to love...

I just chatted with a friend of mine who was quite interested in how the fast was going.  I was truthful, I said it was going quite well.  I'm very content right now.  I've become something of a conscious observer, completely amused by the crazy/stupid/amazing/romantic/pathetic things people will do for or in love.  I chuckle or marvel or just plain stare and it's like watching a play.  I've begun to predict moves like I do when I watch soccer.  I see a man approach a woman too directly and I think, "No! play it to the corner flag, cross it to the D!"

The long and short of the convo, my friend said to me: Don't get so detached from the game that you forget how to love.

I believe this is one of my fatal flaws.  I am a non-stop observer, to the point that I am waaay too objective in relationships.  My partners can believe I am distance and/or unfeeling.  I'm not!  I feel plenty.  But I would agree on the distant.  My head rules over my heart.  I'll never do impulsive things because it'd be romantic or cute.  I think first, plan.  It's not something I'd like to do, I'd love to be spontaneous, but my health insists I always have a plan.  I need the right amount of sleep, to take the right meds, to eat at very regular intervals or I feel horrible.  I can't just stay up talking all night, or jump a plane to Vegas.  I would LOVE to.  But I cannot.  So I have obligatorily become a planner.  You win, world.  I am my mother.

At the same time, I can't say I've ever been in love.  My head, again, precludes that primary love response in me (the lust, the longing, the 'always on my mind').  Secondary love develops all the same (protectiveness, companionship, support) but the primary response has a very shallow bell-curve.  On the flip side, though, there are the relationships where primary response is through the roof, but secondary  isn't even in the picture.  Those are fun but burn like phosphorus. 

My days are wicked busy, my nights just as busy, and I'm having a blast doing field research.  Singles group continues, after 2 weeks off, and I'm finding some interesting things about myself.  I'll debrief when the group ends.

Till then America, happy reading!  I just started a new book.  This is the boring cover...the one I have is much more interesting.  I do enjoy novels made up of short stories. They're HARD to pull off, but worth it when they work.

It's official

I have now conquered three mediums...or four, maybe.  The written/printed word, television, the internet sensation of blogging, and just now the radio waves.  I suppose I have the big screen left.  That's on the list to be checked off before I die. I have no doubt I'll pull it off.  Well, a little doubt.  Or maybe more that I won't be in front of the camera, but perhaps will have written the screenplay.  All this aside, I had a radio interview today for a book I published in May (called When Heaven Calls).  Radio has yet to grow on me...it's weird speaking to people I can't see.  I suppose an in-studio interview would be more organic.

And so goes the fast.  Sigh.  Iowa City was spectacular!  The class I took was amazing and I came back here with a lot of ideas and starts for stories.  But there were so many adorably smart people, and a person I can't even quite describe except he was probably the prettiest man I have ever spoken to for an extended period of time.  Wow.  I feel like maybe the world's playing a gigantic trick on me.

In other news, a woman I work with told me she has a crush on me.  I'm not entirely sure how to feel about that.  When I'm at work my emotion-meter is set to off, so it kind of fell on deaf ears and a blank face.  She felt like it was something indefinable that drew her in...I wonder if it's my aloof nature right now.  Lot's of guys are also coming up to me more now that I have zero interest.  *Gasp!*  Did I just discover the crazy secret to attraction?  Apparently it's universal (gentlemen).

I've had a very busy month, and I'm looking forward to another one like this.  I feel like my life may settle by the end of September, maybe October.  But what's settling, really?  Settling's just a slow way of dying!  Shake it up, America!

As I have not gotten into any new books lately, I'm linking my OWN book to this entry.  Yikes.

Also, just to bring down the jerk-factor, I'm also throwing in Dan Chaon's book Await Your Reply.  It kept me so entertained...for about two days.  I just bombed through it and was sad to finish it.  Dan Chaon, your brain is a thing of beauty.  I am honored to have taken a class with you in undergrad.

Wake up!

Good mornin' world!  Or evening?  It's been a little while, but a busy, busy while.  I went to visit my family and see my sister's brand new baby, and I'm off to the Iowa Writer's Workshop in a couple days.  That is going to most exciting, as I'm not workshopping anything, but going to create 29 new ideas for stories.  It's going to be grueling and challenging, but it'll be fun too.

Tomorrow evening is going to be pretty much tapped out as I have my single's thereapy to go to.  Ah  yes!  That started last week!  Everyone's so open about their feelings...I'm a very closed person when sharing with strangers, so it's going to take me a little bit before I say everything aloud.  I feel like it's going to help me, though.  I need to be more in touch with my feelings.

This was just a quick check-in America.  I'm on the run!!

Why do I bother going out?

Hey world! 

Okay, despite being on fast, I still go out with my friends and meet people, etc., etc.  I enjoy it for themost part -- I like to see the different ways people smile or laugh, the way they fidget with their clothes or napkins, and usually I think of ways to write down their mannerisms, or incorporate them into a story of some kind.  Plus people are funny!

But then, every now and again, some gentleman will catch my eye and I decide he might be fine to speak to.  All downhill from there.  I met a nice young man yesterday, with light brown wavy hair and a sharp fuzz of light stubble on his chin. He was wearing a pinstripe jacket and drinking Bud Light.

Yes, Bud Light.  I probably should have stopped right there.  He was sitting in front of an array of quality beers on tap and opted for a Bud Light in a bottle.

Continuing, I think he's relatively intelligent, likes dogs, lives nearby, all good things.  Then I find out he just got out of the Navy.  That's not a dealbreaker. My dad was an Army man, it's not intrinsically a bad thing, just a bit different than most people that live around the Berkeley area. 

Then somehow the conversation steers toward the fact that someone of mixed heritage, such as being part Hispanic, could be paid more and given more opportunity for advancement in the Navy. 

Oooh, danger, Will Robinson! 

At first I refused to even go down that road.  But after much cajoling, I admitted the idea made since to me. I understood it because from the multi-lingual perspective, would it not behoove the military to have someone that can communicate in foreign countries?  Pinstripes did not have such a liberal perspective.  I guess gunfire is the universal language.  This convo continues into a discussion of immigration and affirmative action, upon which we did not see eye to eye (why he would even bring this up to a non-white person such as myself will never be clear to me...for an affirmation of his feelings, maybe?).  It was like talking to a wall, which was, I'm sure, what it felt like from his perspective as well.

The interaction begs the question: why do I bother going out?  I walk into Berkeley of all places and meet the one backward thinking person there.  I'm cursed, I swear!  Check the "currently reading" image.

Word of the Day

An old word that's gotten one helluva revival lately: Vuvuzela.

People won't shut up about these things...and the people blowing them at the World Cup won't shut up either.  I'm pretty used to the sound, as those horns are at every soccer game from Seattle to Seoul, but the sheer volume and number of these things, since they originated in Africa, at this Copa Mundial is apparently dizzying.  Just say it.  Vuvuzela.  It's almost as fun as onomatopoeia.

My sister just had a baby.  Via C-section.  Thank you, celibacy.

That's all for now!  Game on.

Soccer

Hello all!

I'm not sure if everyone knows this about me, but I am a soccer freak.  I have been playing since I was seven, and continue to play in rec leagues around the area and watch any game I can sink my teeth into.  It's one of the few things that makes me loose my all-to-cool composure, and I yell at the screen and get into the game.  I do not, however, take the aggression or attitude with me off the field.  If I lose a game, I barely know (keeping score is hard, even when the score's 1-0) let alone let it affect my mood.

That said, in your FACE England.  A tie is a win for us against you blokes.  I predicted that 1-1 draw.  Sorry Green, you really deserve a hug after that performance.  I feel bad for you.

OK, that's out of the way.  But soccer men!  Gosh I had forgotten what it was like to be around so many fit people all at once.  Up until I graduated from undergrad and hung up the sprinting spikes and collegiate cleats (alright, I still play in those cleats, they're so comfortable) the only men I ever saw half-naked were highly athletic.  Then I faced harsh reality around 23 and was thoroughly disappointed.  I guess I'm used to it now, and returning to the situation, with shirtless eye-candy all around me, I had a mental throwback.  Ah, to be young(er) again and capitalize on my situation!   At the time I was too busy with school and sports and generally not caring to date to pay any attention.

So, too, now I think.  I work all day and come home with a compulsion to cloister and write.  I get pulled out by my friends, or to go hiking or play soccer so I still see people, but my mind is turned inward so often I forget to notice what's going on around me (like playing soccer without knowing the score).  Plus work is constantly in service of 60 other people so my mind is set unnaturally "out, out, out" for 40+ hours a week and I just need some "in" time when I get home.

Does anyone else feel this way?  Like the world is turning without you paying close enough attention?

Love vs Lust

Okay, America.  You win.  I am going into what Hanne Blank (in her book Virgin: The Untouched History) would call the avoidant kind of virginity.  I'm fully not interested in having an opposite-sex relationship of any kind, involving sex or not.  No babies, no diseases, no drama.  Also, for my mental transformation to work, I am going to need some exclusive ME time.  This is intrinsically selfish, and I cannot pay attention to another person under these conditions.

You may ask: What, pray tell, forced this decision?

And the answer, though banal is: A man.

One of the nicest men on the planet, actually.  I looked at him, all brimming with hope, and I knew if this relationship continued, with my heart and head elsewhere, I would hurt him.  So I had to cut and run -- and I I officially put the kaibosh on further fraternization.  Hey, if I can't impose tough rules on MYSELF, how will I ever follow the directions of any relationship professional?


I'm actually not sure if I ever declared full stop on relationships before now.  I thought for a moment how awesome the drama would be if I kept stringing a few men along, but, then, life has enough drama without intentionally pouring it on.  What a day.  I'm a tired little recluse.

The Loved and the Lost

My friend A told me to post about this. The two pieces of information she got from me today over dinner was that I:

1) made a pact with a friend of mine to marry him if we were single at 45 and

2) had to dump a guy I had no idea I was going out with in the first place.

Yowsa!

The Loved: This is my friend L. We were roommates back when I first moved to California about 6 years ago and he was so shy at first he didn't talk to me for the first, like, four months or so. I always thought he was the cutest thing, with his curly dark-blonde hair and band t-shirts. We actually bonded over music, as I played drums in a punk band at the time, and one or two of his friends' bands ended up playing shows with us. As roommates we never crossed into the taboo kingdom of a romantic relationship, as that would be uncomfortable for everyone (though it somehow didn't stop me from making the mistake with other roommates. Maybe I always thought L was special that way). It was only once we moved in separate ways, on to graduate schools in different places, that I realized I missed him like crazy.



It takes a lot for me to consider a person a real friend, and L made the cut.

My co-worker actually recently got engaged to a friend of hers. They were in the same boat as L and me, living in different places and meeting up to go on a trips. They took a trip to Mexico for a week, realized there was a spark there, and came back engaged. It made me think, and I proposed the 15 year definite. L, to my surprise, was absolutely excited about it.

L's sensitive, soft spoken, introverted, and gives awesome hugs. That tug in my chest every time I visit him, or he me, and we have to part again is hard to ignore. Well, 15 years and he's all mine!



The Lost: This is a dude named T. He's a friend of a friend and lives in Oakland. I met him while hanging with a very good friend of mine, and he's easy to talk to, very attentive, picks me up from my house (this is huge) and we go do fun stuff round the East Bay. The problem is I'm not attracted to him. He's fun! I like to hang out with him, but he met me during this year-long break, and he's just too nice. What's to say? Defeatist of me, perhaps, as he's available, understanding, sweet, etc. etc. but does nothing for me. Why are there so many great men out there I just can't be into? Anyone else have the same issues?

My novel When Heaven Calls

Just a heads up, viewing public, my most-awesome book When Heaven Calls is available on www.amazon.com in print or for your Kindle, and you can review it on www.goodreads.com. Any review is good, so please drop a line.

Remember, you can get a Kindle app for your iPhone, iPod Touch or iPad from the App Store through iTunes.  Now all you tech heads can read my book anytime, anywhere.

Of course When Heaven Calls remains available directly through sakura publishing as well, and if you buy it there you get a discount.

Happy reading!  And if you're not reading my book, who cares, you're reading, right?  Support the written word!

Pride and Prejudice

I just watched this film for the 13th time (thereabouts), the 2 hour version with Keira Knightley, not the 8 hour version with Colin Firth, and I dream of a relationship that begins this way. Lizzie's relationship, anyway. Taciturn, analytical, aloof ... thus describes everything I look for in a man. I like a challenge!

Jane's relationship in this movie... cute, but uninteresting. If you're just nice and attentive and available, I'm probably interested for five minutes and over it.

Elizabeth though. That relationship took some work. I enjoy that immediately. Is that a flaw? That I enjoy the predictable roadblocks of Hollywood cinema? Perhaps all women suffer this affliction because of movies, TV and romance novels. Any input from the viewing public?

A reflection

From an e-mail with my good friend D, he asked quite innocently if I was some sort of heartbreaker he didn't know about and I said:
"...Yes, I am a heartbreaker, though by no real design on my part. I'm analytical, so the "falling" part of love doesn't happen for me. I have to rationalize it. That's probably why I like to write stories where the two are just so perfectly matched. It takes the guess-work out. In my own relationships, though, I'm like five dates in before I'm like...Nope. And by then, for a faller, the deal is done. Factor in reading one of my stories and I could have a good old fashioned stalker case. That might make a good story...man tries to convince me he's like the story, the only one I'm matched with through seven feats of love taken directly from a book...."
I believe this was in response to why I was so uncomfortable with the possibility of being famous, and people wanting to know my name. It freaks me out a little bit. It's super helpful to address, or at least recognize these things early. It'll help me get over them in therapy.

Paranormal Activity

I just saw this movie, in reference to writing a horror script. I do not see what the big fuss was over this thing...outside of it propbably being super cheap to make. The story was sooo predictable, and not scary. I watch the Discover Channel's A Haunting, (they had done an episode that the movie A Haunting in Connecticuit was based on) so I had seen all of this stuff before. Maybe it would have been scarier in the movie theater (shrugs).
Horror day wasn't bad. I wish I had re-rented The Ring. That is the only horror movie's I've seen that scared me enough to affect my actions. I had to leave my TV on the night I first saw it, turned to the Cartoon Network. No dead girl's popping out of the Cartoon Network.

The Fast: diversions

So I have found the best thing for me so far is to keep busy. I'm always working on about four stories at a time, but I am also stepping into the quick and dirty world of screenplays. I just saw the trailer (finally) for a beauty of a terrible horror movie called Birdemic. I must see this film. I'm currently collaborating on a horror script so I think I better bone up. I'm going to watch Paranormal as well...maybe I'll make it a whole horror day.

Birdemic: Shock And Terror Official Theatrical Trailer from Severin Films on Vimeo.

As for diversions, here are the other stories/screenplays I'm working on now:

Jonze: about a jonzing vampire (novel)

Untitled screenplay: about internet dating

The Perfect Couple: about an Asbergers man and sadist woman

Etc.

Life is GOOOD.

Portland trip

I just returned from Portland! What a great place. The weather was gorgeous, and there were so, SO many adorable hipster guys running around. Oddly enough, it seemed like it would be all too easy to get a guy I loved to look at there. The chase is indeed a lot more fun.

And in a rapidly interesting-er development: my friend B wants in on this phenomenon I created. We're thinking a collaboration: The Drought and the Deluge. Me, I remain celibate for a year. She, she opens herself to all kinds of relationships, casual or committal for the year. See if one turns out more successfully on the relationship front.

I have also begun reading some lit on virginity and the mythos and cultural/religious connotations that follow it. Having grown up Catholic, the notion was held in high esteem, quite obviously. I am not sure, however, if that notion wasn't just something old-school, propogated by a male-dominated Catholic regime attempting to assert control over the single area on the planet they cannot and will not ever understand.

But who am I to pass judgment? This is why I am defecting to experts in sociology, religiosity, and psychology (in addition to friends) to provide me with insight and multiple viewpoints. This blog will ideally offer a lot of thoughts on the subject, but nothing close to "the answer." It will hopefully provide a fun story along the way as well.

And the improvements begin

I am all set to take a singles class with a licensed MFT. It's about getting to know ourselves a bit more, understanding our choices when it comes to our mates, and hopefully understanding what would ultimately make us happy. I suppose I see this as a real cementing point in my quest...not just being avoidant, but being proactive and present in my search for emotional balance and happiness.

I am supposed to be one of the youngest people in this class, which is funny to me. To think, most people are engaged or married by 30. I still see myself as somewhat like a kid. I'm growing and changing everyday. If you pick your partner so early in life, what's to say you won't grow and change in two different directions? Are the challenges that develop worth the fight? Do you just take your chances and hope you remain together? Maybe this class will help me ease my apprehensions, or at least get some answers to my major challenges to young marriage (or even, marriage in general).

In the mean time, America, my fast continues...

Responses

I thought it'd be fun to have a post dedicated to responses I've gotten from the big reveal (A La Him Her Him Again The End of Him).

Roomies:

M - Are you kidding? A whole year? You should have told everybody before you started it so you could've had an awesome last hurrah.
A - That's admirable. Doesn't seem so hard. You can pull it off.
L - This is such a Sex and the City conversation. One person says it's a good idea, one says you'll never make it, but everyone supports you anyway.

Friends:

D - You're going to pull off this concept! I can't believe you're doing The Fast yourself.

M2 - Wow...I hope I didn't have anything to do with that decision...

There were a couple interested/involved parties I neglected to tell before I began the Fast, so I'll have to break the news gently. We'll see how that turns out. Typical fire sign me; diving into big stuff with no attention to ramifications at the time. I'm sure everyone will understand...

The Fast: the plan

The Fast

The plan: Okay, the plan is pretty simple. Beginning on my birthday, April 1^st, 2010, I’m officially on a one year abstinence plan, until my birthday comes in 2011. The purpose? I’m 29 this year, and I’m taking the year to cleanse my twenties and get myself emotionally ready for my thirties.

The first question most people have is why? Think back. Your twenties are a notoriously immature time in life, when you’re suddenly unleashed from your parents, and you spend government-subsidized hours wasting time, getting high and making terrible decisions. I chose to focus on one particular area of stupidity: relationships. Oh, the mistakes I have made. Some people are lucky enough to find a well-adjusted other, and begin a long-term relationship during this troubled decade. Those people are both observant and lucky. I was too busy living as fast as I could to pay close attention to the people around me. I got my BA, I played in three or four bands (I drum), I got my MS, I wrote a book, I worked 40-50 hour weeks...in sum, I hustled. I'm still hustling. This is an attempt to simplify, clear my head a little bit, and maybe feel a bit less jangled. Right now life is so cluttered, there's no room to add another person. Is it a wonder I haven't found someone to fit into the tiny chink of space I have available in my life?

In this interim between dating and destiny, I'll be taking classes on emotional well-being, relationships, general personal improvement, so I am my most shining, awesome self when I hit 30, and hopefully I'll find someone shinning and bright on the other side.

Romantic comedies would dictate I find Mr. Right during this fast, and can do little to advance our relationship til it's over. Ha, well, we can all hope, right? For now, wish me luck! I'm 10 days in, and staying strong so far. Stay tuned...updates to come.