Saturday, April 30, 2011

Tranquility

Remember the tranquility I was hoping for in this new phase of life?  That's not happening.  Trying to respond to all social invitations is...stressful.  I mean, really, I only want to respond to one or two, but have made it my mission to respond to more.

Then again, I made revisions to my initial Fast, so I can always make revisions to Feast.  I think I may have found a young man I really like...and I may have to narrow the perview down to one at a time.  I never said that would be the format, but it is too tough to deal with more than one at a time.  I mean, dating multiple people -- generally it's the last person you have seen that is primary in your heart and mind.  That is ultimately deceiving.  So I figure, pick the one I like the most logically.  Then cut the others off.  I'm an Aries, people.  I think I know what I want the first minute I meet someone.  And that's part-true.  I know about my attraction level.  That only goes up or down the longer I get to know someone.  But as time draws on I know what I want and what I don't.

Well, okay, no spoilers.  I'll let you know how the next couple weeks go.  Bye, America!

Friday, April 29, 2011

A quick end-of-April note

Well hello there America,

So April was an eventful month. I met a couple guys I'm totally fascinated with, and it's been a manic rush trying to carve out time to meet up with them. When in hell did my life get so full of stuff to do?  Only seconds ago, it feels, I was sitting, bored beyond belief, looking out at the rain like a five year old doomed to play inside.  The sun comes out and now everyone and his mom wants to grab a drink!  Not a bad thing.  I like going out sometimes.  However, at the ripe old age of 30, I don't rebound from a night of little sleep like I used to.

On another note, I'm really unsure about how people feel about me.  Like, in general: my friends, my colleagues, my dates...I'm an over-thinker, and over-thinking tends to lead one down a road of pessimism. And my gosh, do I try to talk myself out of going for people!  Constantly.  I figure 'what chance is there this is going to work out? Things don't usually work out for me.' Well, yeah, I'm sure that's what everyone says until they find that person it works with.  Like, "my keys were in the last place I looked."  Of course!  You don't keep looking when you find what you want.  In theory.  I can't say as I have ever conquered the wandering eye.

Early May (next week) is another round of dates and interludes. If anything awe-inspiring happens I will  be sure to let you know.

And Oaklandeers, there's a taco truck stand off happening next weekend at the Oakland Convention Center.  There will be a tequila garden.  It's a 50/50 I'll be there, but it looks rad: http://oaklandconventioncenter.com/battle/

Raise your glass to what's been an awesome April!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

April

Hi readers!  I'm going to try to at least post once a month during The Feast, so this is my April.

Okay, first things first, I haven't broken the fast yet.  It's kinda special so I'm being selective and a bit tentative.  However, this hasn't precluded me from going out a few times with a few different people and just being more social in general.  Or maybe that's just Spring showing up.

On an off note, I may or may not have incidentally given one of the two following dudes very direct access to this blog.  I mean, either of them could find it, really, it'd just take a little digging (though in my experience, dudes don't dig).  This would make said dude privy to my thoughts and impressions, and no one ever really knows what kind of first impression they make on another person, the kind of play-by-play emotional ticker.  You can't walk around knowing that kind of info, man!  That's cheating.  And cheaters never win.

I cannot, however, let this change my bald blogging style.  It wouldn't be fair to you, dear readers.  If I've got something to say, you'll be hearing it, regardless.

Anyway, quite a while ago I may have mentioned a very pretty, tall, pale kid with a smattering of freckles, dark, simmering eyes and dark hair. He looks like Gregor in my book:

Well, I used to work with this guy (like five months ago), and he was actually sweet and nice enough to respect my whole fast thing, and we were supposed to go hang out last weekend.  However, he got held up at a radio interview and we had to reschedule.  Generally I'm not a fan of rescheduling things, so my head went elsewhere after that.  Then he showed up at work a few days later to drop off some flyers and he has now resurfaced in my consciousness.  He's Jewish and I've always been kind of intrigued by Judaism.  I feel like there are secrets in that religion, and whenever there are secrets, I want to investigate.  Anyway, he's got a very low-key style, never raises his voice, lovely smile. He seems like he'd never lose his temper, but he can be just as sarcastic and scathing as me so I'm never afraid I'm gonna hurt his feelings.  He's fun.  Have to see if we ever get together.

Moving on, there's another certain young self-proclaimed non-hipster kid with a mustache mentioned a few posts ago.  We went out for a beer or two yesterday at a Belgian Tap house The Trappist in old Oakland (and a couple other friends came too).  It was really fun and low-key.  He's funny, and smart in all the ways I'm not smart, thoughtful, adorable...and so nice.  Like NICE nice.  I don't think I'd be described as "nice" by anyone so I'm a liiitle worried I'd say something to hurt his feelings one day.  Also, I'm beyond a point where I try super hard when I leave the house.  I wear whatever's on the top of the pile.  He seems like he thinks about that kind of stuff.  Ah, youth.  

I've never been a person who insists on definition. Actually, I love morphing conditions.  So I'm not pushing either of these relationships in one way or the other, just going along and seeing where they lead.  And if they lead somewhere good, or they blow up in my face, I'll let you all know. Vive L'Amour!

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Feast

Alright America, I cracked open an epiphany today while talking to my super-friend R.  She did the opposite of me this past year, jumping headlong into every relationship that presented itself.  And getting her heart repeatedly broken.  She insists "this sucks."  Okay, maybe.  I'm always the one to break off relationships, and I'm not one to wallow in sadness--but I am deathly, deathly afraid of being on the receiving end of a breakup.  I don't know how I'll handle it, really.  I am going to consider this year a "practice year" of sorts.  I will relationship-up as much as possible instead of thinking so much (like, oh, man, he's 23; gosh, he'll be in grad school in Atlanta in six months; wait a minute, she's a girl) and see how my little heart fares.  If I'm as logical as I think, I'll come out of it OK.  If not, I've got a therapist.  Scary proposition, America.  The Fast was the easy part.  The Feast will be challenging.

Wish me luck.  I'm going in!

I'm thinking of getting a book my sister S suggested, speaking of modesty and regaining virtue, etc, etc.  I'm not sure it's for me, but it might be a fun read.  Have a look.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Fast is over!

Well, America, The Fast is over.  The day was spent coordinating/emceeing an event I put together for work, but that evening I celebrated it by getting together with friends at a local bar (the Ruby Room, one of my favorites!) and being a normal, social human being.  I had such a blast!  It was low-key the way I like it and a good number of the people I know in the East Bay came out to say hi and get a drink.  I spent the next day (Saturday) sleeping and watching TV instead of writing stories and my blog like I should have, but I considered that day my birthday present to myself -- a day off.  I did arrange to see a young man I've mentioned before that evening, but I then got caught on the phone talking to an old friend I haven't seen in years and had to cancel.  I feel pretty bad about that.  I'm one of those people, where once I've made a commitment I always follow through, but this was an extenuating circumstance.  Doesn't stop me from feeling like a jerk, though.

Alright so, to the meat of it all, what happens now?  Now comes an enlightened and hopefully emotionally mature decade: my thirties.  I don't feel like thirty was as pivotal as many people will have you believe.  I think around 27 or so I started to feel more like an adult and really pay attention to my patterns and semi-antisocial behavior, and think about correcting it.  So this year, the "deluge" flipside to my "drought," I will be as social and open to relationships of all types (friendships, romantic relationships, even business relationships) as possible, and see if it makes a positive impact on my life.  I will blog as important or significant things happen to me, as I did with the Fast, and I hope fun things ensue.

Take care America, and thanks so much for sticking with me through this bumpy ride.