In other news, new blog on my ongoing battle with agoraphobia (and occasional hypergraphia).
How much does THAT bring The Fast into perspective!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
June
Alright, y'all. I'm a little busy living life, so I'm only going to update this blog if something interesting happens. Still working hard, going on vacations, partying in Oakland, and playing the field. Also trying to get my write on more often. So sporadic updating is on the menu. Don't fret, though. If you want to know what I'm thinking, follow me on twitter (@ckstackhouse), and read my book -- though the latter will be more about what I was thinking last year.
Love ya, America! Stay sexy.
Love ya, America! Stay sexy.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
May addendum
Oh yeah! I couldn't choose between my men, either. Each is so different, and good for different reasons and different occasions. I'm going to sit back and let it all happen. It's something I'd generally never do, but shit, what I normally do is a load of bollocks. Game on, America.
The Feast -- May
Well, readers, May was a pretty tame month in terms of romance. I was busy travelling and working. As for travel, I went to Toronto to visit one of my very best friends on the planet. She lives in a smaller town outside of the city, which I really love, because I get to drive through the countryside a little bit. It made me a kind of homesick for Sonoma County (about 60 miles north of where I live now, where I lived for 5 years), with farm land here and there, trees and moors, then blamo, back in the middle of a city again. Somehow, cities don't feel so big anymore once I go to the outskirts and spend some time and meet some people from the fringe. Cities are this chaotic, swallowing thing when stuck in the middle of one, with no path out. But when you come to the edge and look back, it's almost like you can take anything they're going to throw at you. New York City is unmanageable for me, I think, because the park is in the middle, and the edges are just more sprawl until you get to, like, Pennsylvania. Anyway, my friend S in Toronto is one of the most sexually liberated people I know, and she's totally monogamous now. She and her man have lived together for about three years, and they have a dog, pretty damn sure they'll make it official sometime. They compliment one another well and I look at them...gosh, I guess I just never thought I'd see the day she'd meet her match.
I am currently visiting my sister in Atlanta (see? Lots of travel in a short span). Her baby -- my niece -- is literally the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. Objectively. I suppose it stands to reason, when my sister is pretty, and her husband is good-looking, that they would create a gorgeous kid. But dag. This kid's gonna make other kids feel bad about themselves later in life.
Anyway, romance wise, a bit light, but fun. I went out a few times with a couple people, all fun dates, but no real urgency to push any of these to the next, more physical level. Generally, if I don't like someone I don't talk to them, let alone sit or stand in close proximity to them. So just making time to get some food or see a movie or whatever, that's a big deal for me. A little kiss here and there, a hug, a squeeze of the hand/thigh/arm that's a good space for me. Jumping the hurdle into the real meat of The Feast, well, that will have to be left to June and forward.
I have begun to fantasize again. My brain had shut that down for a while, but it's back, for sure. Even dreaming sometimes. I don't really have sex dreams, but more...proximity dreams. Me and some guy doing something, like gardening or watching a movie. Yes, a dream about watching a movie! Most of my dreams seem to be just to entertain me while I sleep instead of having relevant meaning. Except maybe when I dream of careening out of control in a car with little/no brakes. Not sure what it means, but it feels like it should be significant since it's a recurring thing. If anyone has info on that, feel free to post.
Well, America, I gotta get back to grinning like an idiot at my niece. Ciao!
Tia C
I am currently visiting my sister in Atlanta (see? Lots of travel in a short span). Her baby -- my niece -- is literally the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. Objectively. I suppose it stands to reason, when my sister is pretty, and her husband is good-looking, that they would create a gorgeous kid. But dag. This kid's gonna make other kids feel bad about themselves later in life.
Anyway, romance wise, a bit light, but fun. I went out a few times with a couple people, all fun dates, but no real urgency to push any of these to the next, more physical level. Generally, if I don't like someone I don't talk to them, let alone sit or stand in close proximity to them. So just making time to get some food or see a movie or whatever, that's a big deal for me. A little kiss here and there, a hug, a squeeze of the hand/thigh/arm that's a good space for me. Jumping the hurdle into the real meat of The Feast, well, that will have to be left to June and forward.
I have begun to fantasize again. My brain had shut that down for a while, but it's back, for sure. Even dreaming sometimes. I don't really have sex dreams, but more...proximity dreams. Me and some guy doing something, like gardening or watching a movie. Yes, a dream about watching a movie! Most of my dreams seem to be just to entertain me while I sleep instead of having relevant meaning. Except maybe when I dream of careening out of control in a car with little/no brakes. Not sure what it means, but it feels like it should be significant since it's a recurring thing. If anyone has info on that, feel free to post.
Well, America, I gotta get back to grinning like an idiot at my niece. Ciao!
Tia C
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Tranquility
Remember the tranquility I was hoping for in this new phase of life? That's not happening. Trying to respond to all social invitations is...stressful. I mean, really, I only want to respond to one or two, but have made it my mission to respond to more.
Then again, I made revisions to my initial Fast, so I can always make revisions to Feast. I think I may have found a young man I really like...and I may have to narrow the perview down to one at a time. I never said that would be the format, but it is too tough to deal with more than one at a time. I mean, dating multiple people -- generally it's the last person you have seen that is primary in your heart and mind. That is ultimately deceiving. So I figure, pick the one I like the most logically. Then cut the others off. I'm an Aries, people. I think I know what I want the first minute I meet someone. And that's part-true. I know about my attraction level. That only goes up or down the longer I get to know someone. But as time draws on I know what I want and what I don't.
Well, okay, no spoilers. I'll let you know how the next couple weeks go. Bye, America!
Then again, I made revisions to my initial Fast, so I can always make revisions to Feast. I think I may have found a young man I really like...and I may have to narrow the perview down to one at a time. I never said that would be the format, but it is too tough to deal with more than one at a time. I mean, dating multiple people -- generally it's the last person you have seen that is primary in your heart and mind. That is ultimately deceiving. So I figure, pick the one I like the most logically. Then cut the others off. I'm an Aries, people. I think I know what I want the first minute I meet someone. And that's part-true. I know about my attraction level. That only goes up or down the longer I get to know someone. But as time draws on I know what I want and what I don't.
Well, okay, no spoilers. I'll let you know how the next couple weeks go. Bye, America!
Friday, April 29, 2011
A quick end-of-April note
Well hello there America,
So April was an eventful month. I met a couple guys I'm totally fascinated with, and it's been a manic rush trying to carve out time to meet up with them. When in hell did my life get so full of stuff to do? Only seconds ago, it feels, I was sitting, bored beyond belief, looking out at the rain like a five year old doomed to play inside. The sun comes out and now everyone and his mom wants to grab a drink! Not a bad thing. I like going out sometimes. However, at the ripe old age of 30, I don't rebound from a night of little sleep like I used to.
On another note, I'm really unsure about how people feel about me. Like, in general: my friends, my colleagues, my dates...I'm an over-thinker, and over-thinking tends to lead one down a road of pessimism. And my gosh, do I try to talk myself out of going for people! Constantly. I figure 'what chance is there this is going to work out? Things don't usually work out for me.' Well, yeah, I'm sure that's what everyone says until they find that person it works with. Like, "my keys were in the last place I looked." Of course! You don't keep looking when you find what you want. In theory. I can't say as I have ever conquered the wandering eye.
Early May (next week) is another round of dates and interludes. If anything awe-inspiring happens I will be sure to let you know.
And Oaklandeers, there's a taco truck stand off happening next weekend at the Oakland Convention Center. There will be a tequila garden. It's a 50/50 I'll be there, but it looks rad: http://oaklandconventioncenter.com/battle/
Raise your glass to what's been an awesome April!
So April was an eventful month. I met a couple guys I'm totally fascinated with, and it's been a manic rush trying to carve out time to meet up with them. When in hell did my life get so full of stuff to do? Only seconds ago, it feels, I was sitting, bored beyond belief, looking out at the rain like a five year old doomed to play inside. The sun comes out and now everyone and his mom wants to grab a drink! Not a bad thing. I like going out sometimes. However, at the ripe old age of 30, I don't rebound from a night of little sleep like I used to.
On another note, I'm really unsure about how people feel about me. Like, in general: my friends, my colleagues, my dates...I'm an over-thinker, and over-thinking tends to lead one down a road of pessimism. And my gosh, do I try to talk myself out of going for people! Constantly. I figure 'what chance is there this is going to work out? Things don't usually work out for me.' Well, yeah, I'm sure that's what everyone says until they find that person it works with. Like, "my keys were in the last place I looked." Of course! You don't keep looking when you find what you want. In theory. I can't say as I have ever conquered the wandering eye.
Early May (next week) is another round of dates and interludes. If anything awe-inspiring happens I will be sure to let you know.
And Oaklandeers, there's a taco truck stand off happening next weekend at the Oakland Convention Center. There will be a tequila garden. It's a 50/50 I'll be there, but it looks rad: http://oaklandconventioncenter.com/battle/
Raise your glass to what's been an awesome April!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
April
Hi readers! I'm going to try to at least post once a month during The Feast, so this is my April.
Okay, first things first, I haven't broken the fast yet. It's kinda special so I'm being selective and a bit tentative. However, this hasn't precluded me from going out a few times with a few different people and just being more social in general. Or maybe that's just Spring showing up.
On an off note, I may or may not have incidentally given one of the two following dudes very direct access to this blog. I mean, either of them could find it, really, it'd just take a little digging (though in my experience, dudes don't dig). This would make said dude privy to my thoughts and impressions, and no one ever really knows what kind of first impression they make on another person, the kind of play-by-play emotional ticker. You can't walk around knowing that kind of info, man! That's cheating. And cheaters never win.
I cannot, however, let this change my bald blogging style. It wouldn't be fair to you, dear readers. If I've got something to say, you'll be hearing it, regardless.
Anyway, quite a while ago I may have mentioned a very pretty, tall, pale kid with a smattering of freckles, dark, simmering eyes and dark hair. He looks like Gregor in my book:
Well, I used to work with this guy (like five months ago), and he was actually sweet and nice enough to respect my whole fast thing, and we were supposed to go hang out last weekend. However, he got held up at a radio interview and we had to reschedule. Generally I'm not a fan of rescheduling things, so my head went elsewhere after that. Then he showed up at work a few days later to drop off some flyers and he has now resurfaced in my consciousness. He's Jewish and I've always been kind of intrigued by Judaism. I feel like there are secrets in that religion, and whenever there are secrets, I want to investigate. Anyway, he's got a very low-key style, never raises his voice, lovely smile. He seems like he'd never lose his temper, but he can be just as sarcastic and scathing as me so I'm never afraid I'm gonna hurt his feelings. He's fun. Have to see if we ever get together.
Moving on, there's another certain young self-proclaimed non-hipster kid with a mustache mentioned a few posts ago. We went out for a beer or two yesterday at a Belgian Tap house The Trappist in old Oakland (and a couple other friends came too). It was really fun and low-key. He's funny, and smart in all the ways I'm not smart, thoughtful, adorable...and so nice. Like NICE nice. I don't think I'd be described as "nice" by anyone so I'm a liiitle worried I'd say something to hurt his feelings one day. Also, I'm beyond a point where I try super hard when I leave the house. I wear whatever's on the top of the pile. He seems like he thinks about that kind of stuff. Ah, youth.
I've never been a person who insists on definition. Actually, I love morphing conditions. So I'm not pushing either of these relationships in one way or the other, just going along and seeing where they lead. And if they lead somewhere good, or they blow up in my face, I'll let you all know. Vive L'Amour!
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Feast
Alright America, I cracked open an epiphany today while talking to my super-friend R. She did the opposite of me this past year, jumping headlong into every relationship that presented itself. And getting her heart repeatedly broken. She insists "this sucks." Okay, maybe. I'm always the one to break off relationships, and I'm not one to wallow in sadness--but I am deathly, deathly afraid of being on the receiving end of a breakup. I don't know how I'll handle it, really. I am going to consider this year a "practice year" of sorts. I will relationship-up as much as possible instead of thinking so much (like, oh, man, he's 23; gosh, he'll be in grad school in Atlanta in six months; wait a minute, she's a girl) and see how my little heart fares. If I'm as logical as I think, I'll come out of it OK. If not, I've got a therapist. Scary proposition, America. The Fast was the easy part. The Feast will be challenging.
Wish me luck. I'm going in!
I'm thinking of getting a book my sister S suggested, speaking of modesty and regaining virtue, etc, etc. I'm not sure it's for me, but it might be a fun read. Have a look.
Wish me luck. I'm going in!
I'm thinking of getting a book my sister S suggested, speaking of modesty and regaining virtue, etc, etc. I'm not sure it's for me, but it might be a fun read. Have a look.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The Fast is over!
Well, America, The Fast is over. The day was spent coordinating/emceeing an event I put together for work, but that evening I celebrated it by getting together with friends at a local bar (the Ruby Room, one of my favorites!) and being a normal, social human being. I had such a blast! It was low-key the way I like it and a good number of the people I know in the East Bay came out to say hi and get a drink. I spent the next day (Saturday) sleeping and watching TV instead of writing stories and my blog like I should have, but I considered that day my birthday present to myself -- a day off. I did arrange to see a young man I've mentioned before that evening, but I then got caught on the phone talking to an old friend I haven't seen in years and had to cancel. I feel pretty bad about that. I'm one of those people, where once I've made a commitment I always follow through, but this was an extenuating circumstance. Doesn't stop me from feeling like a jerk, though.
Alright so, to the meat of it all, what happens now? Now comes an enlightened and hopefully emotionally mature decade: my thirties. I don't feel like thirty was as pivotal as many people will have you believe. I think around 27 or so I started to feel more like an adult and really pay attention to my patterns and semi-antisocial behavior, and think about correcting it. So this year, the "deluge" flipside to my "drought," I will be as social and open to relationships of all types (friendships, romantic relationships, even business relationships) as possible, and see if it makes a positive impact on my life. I will blog as important or significant things happen to me, as I did with the Fast, and I hope fun things ensue.
Take care America, and thanks so much for sticking with me through this bumpy ride.
Alright so, to the meat of it all, what happens now? Now comes an enlightened and hopefully emotionally mature decade: my thirties. I don't feel like thirty was as pivotal as many people will have you believe. I think around 27 or so I started to feel more like an adult and really pay attention to my patterns and semi-antisocial behavior, and think about correcting it. So this year, the "deluge" flipside to my "drought," I will be as social and open to relationships of all types (friendships, romantic relationships, even business relationships) as possible, and see if it makes a positive impact on my life. I will blog as important or significant things happen to me, as I did with the Fast, and I hope fun things ensue.
Take care America, and thanks so much for sticking with me through this bumpy ride.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Hubba hubba!
I went to a burlesque show last night called the Hubba Hubba Revue, San Francisco (at DNA Lounge). Now, the San Francisco part is important, because this show's been going on forever in Oakland at the Uptown. WTF, Oakland, how have you been hiding this awesome show from me since I got here?? I'm guessing it's because it's on Monday nights at the Uptown. But what a way to start the week!
DNA Lounge is right down the street from Slims, a big live-show venue. I've been to Slims many times to see punk shows -- it's one of those places with columns in the middle of the floor to hold the ceiling up. I always expected someone to get smashed into one of those things in a circle pit. Never happened. Anyway, I never quite added DNA Lounge to my mental map. There are three or four clubs on that same street, so they all kind of blended together for me. DNA is pretty cool. I've been there before, but don't remember for what...a new year's eve stop one night I think. They've got bars on top and bottom floors, a coat check, some nibbles, and you can see the stage relatively well from pretty much anywhere. If you ever, EVER get a hankering for seeing some lovely, busty ladies take their clothes off, I'd recommend Hubba Hubba (http://www.hubbahubbarevue.com/).
Okay, so that post-a-day thing didn't happen quite so much. I more posted my day-to-days on twitter (@ckstackhouse). What can I say, America? I have a life! Finding a computer to write a message? So over! Logging in to Blogger to post via phone? Why do it? Blogs will soon become obsolete (yeah, I said it!) like Myspace or AltaVista or Facebook. Face it, once your mom knew the word "blog" it was all doomed anyway. Plus, as much as this blog would attempt to refute the point, I'm not great about committing things. Maybe that's what this blog was all about in the first place. I committed to something and come next week this time, I will have stuck it out. Also come this time next week, I may be waking up on top of the three sailors I picked up at midnight. We'll have to see, America. We'll just have to wait and see.
DNA Lounge is right down the street from Slims, a big live-show venue. I've been to Slims many times to see punk shows -- it's one of those places with columns in the middle of the floor to hold the ceiling up. I always expected someone to get smashed into one of those things in a circle pit. Never happened. Anyway, I never quite added DNA Lounge to my mental map. There are three or four clubs on that same street, so they all kind of blended together for me. DNA is pretty cool. I've been there before, but don't remember for what...a new year's eve stop one night I think. They've got bars on top and bottom floors, a coat check, some nibbles, and you can see the stage relatively well from pretty much anywhere. If you ever, EVER get a hankering for seeing some lovely, busty ladies take their clothes off, I'd recommend Hubba Hubba (http://www.hubbahubbarevue.com/).
Okay, so that post-a-day thing didn't happen quite so much. I more posted my day-to-days on twitter (@ckstackhouse). What can I say, America? I have a life! Finding a computer to write a message? So over! Logging in to Blogger to post via phone? Why do it? Blogs will soon become obsolete (yeah, I said it!) like Myspace or AltaVista or Facebook. Face it, once your mom knew the word "blog" it was all doomed anyway. Plus, as much as this blog would attempt to refute the point, I'm not great about committing things. Maybe that's what this blog was all about in the first place. I committed to something and come next week this time, I will have stuck it out. Also come this time next week, I may be waking up on top of the three sailors I picked up at midnight. We'll have to see, America. We'll just have to wait and see.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Hipster ho!
I hung out with a friend of mine, M, and his roommates for the first time. He lives in a super-cute house, very student-friendly (he's a grad student), and the people he lives with are responsible and employed. There was a new kid, one that had moved in not too long ago, with a friggin' handle-bar mustache. At first I was...skeptical to say the least. But then we bonded over Firefly and originally being from the same area back east. He has blue eyes, which I am not always a fan of, but we were in semi-low light so his pupils were HUGE, black with just a thin ring of iris color round the edges. He has blonde/reddish hair and gets kind of shy and awkward at the best moments. He likes/works with bikes and coordinates rides all over the place. He claims he's not a hipster. He's just a bike messenger type guy. I am skeptical about this as well.
The sticky point, he's only 23. He's a mature 23, but still. So after I get over the very attractive fantasy of sex with a 23 year old, I realize if anything goes down he's gonna have to see my 30 year old body and deal with my 30 year old issues and life. Would that be fair? My crazy just gets crazier every day!
He sure is pretty, though.
I'm pretty stoked my fast is nearly over, so I can consider him as a prospect. We'll have to see how it all shakes out.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
It seems there's a glitch in the Matrix
My mobile posts aren't showing up here, it seems. No worries, nothing particularly fun has happened since the last post, just work, work, work. One of my friends continues to try to nudge me down the romantic path, but my mind is consistently elsewhere. I'm also trying to figure out what to do on my birthday. I have a big event I've been planning for work all day that day, so I hope I'll be up for debauchery. Ha, who am I kidding, I'm always up for that! Perhaps a new tattoo to commemorate The Fast year is in order, perhaps even a cover-up tattoo to reflect my evolving outlook on life. I'm much less combative now than some of my artwork connotes, so I will probably hit up The Diving Swallow in Oakland and plan out what I want, then start saving up. Artwork is expensive when you don't have "a guy" like I used to have in Santa Rosa. I like the Diving Swallow -- all women tattoo artists to make it a comfortable atmosphere, a great emphasis on nature and Japanese style tattoos, and it's right up the street from one of my favorite bars, the Ruby Room.
I'll keep you updated, America. Soccer season's in full swing. Let's get out there and kick some grass!
I'll keep you updated, America. Soccer season's in full swing. Let's get out there and kick some grass!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Home stretch day 6
So, I thought I'd wait til something interesting happened to update the blog. This has been a social-heavy week, going out every available weekend night and a couple during the week. I'm consciously being more social, especially since I have my own place now, and I can always come home to a quiet space after being on walkabout all day. I went with a friend to a delicious sushi place up the street called The Drunken Fish. They have a billion different selections of sake and of course yummy food. I'm a crunchy roll kind of girl -- love the shrimp.
I have a thing about introducing people to my favorite bar right now. It's called Kona Lounge. I went there last night with "my boys," some guys I used to do field work with. Kona's a tiki bar, meaning it has a hula girl statue that really shakes her hips, (fake) thatched roofing and a lot of those tiki heads, like the amulet the Brady Bunch found when they vacationed in Hawaii. Did I mention they have a volcano? It spits smoke. No virgins are sacrificed. I'd been to this place before I lived within walking distance, and incidentally moved to place where it is super accessible. I was pleasantly surprised, let me tell you. If you're in the Oakland/Piedmont area, I'd consider it a must-visit. Especially since the hugely awesome Mountain View Cemetery is just a little beyond it. If I cared about dying, I'd want to be buried there. I have almost been run over by deer in that part of town, so it's a bit of a magical spot -- deer in Oakland.
So the boy's night out was fun, all the good stuff, but last night I had a dream about one of my friends. Sex dream. I haven't had a sex dream in ages! It's weird how in real life sex would be awkward and feel just a little not-right when with a friend for the first time, but in dreams all that is just gone. If real life worked like that I'd probably have three husbands and a passel of kids by now. My friends are awesome: strong, funny, relatively sensitive, quirky, all the things I like in a guy. But they're my friends because I have to go down the romantic road within the first, maybe, month of knowing a person well, or else they are classified as friend forever. If they try to kiss me at some random stage in our friendship it's going to feel like kissing my brother, if I had one.
Moral of the above story: men, if you are attracted to a woman, make it known early, even if you don't act on it right away. Then, as she forms a sold opinion of you, and you of her, you can both be creating a romantic partner avatar in your heads. Once the friend avatar is built, there can be conversion, but it's a much tougher road.
I have a thing about introducing people to my favorite bar right now. It's called Kona Lounge. I went there last night with "my boys," some guys I used to do field work with. Kona's a tiki bar, meaning it has a hula girl statue that really shakes her hips, (fake) thatched roofing and a lot of those tiki heads, like the amulet the Brady Bunch found when they vacationed in Hawaii. Did I mention they have a volcano? It spits smoke. No virgins are sacrificed. I'd been to this place before I lived within walking distance, and incidentally moved to place where it is super accessible. I was pleasantly surprised, let me tell you. If you're in the Oakland/Piedmont area, I'd consider it a must-visit. Especially since the hugely awesome Mountain View Cemetery is just a little beyond it. If I cared about dying, I'd want to be buried there. I have almost been run over by deer in that part of town, so it's a bit of a magical spot -- deer in Oakland.
So the boy's night out was fun, all the good stuff, but last night I had a dream about one of my friends. Sex dream. I haven't had a sex dream in ages! It's weird how in real life sex would be awkward and feel just a little not-right when with a friend for the first time, but in dreams all that is just gone. If real life worked like that I'd probably have three husbands and a passel of kids by now. My friends are awesome: strong, funny, relatively sensitive, quirky, all the things I like in a guy. But they're my friends because I have to go down the romantic road within the first, maybe, month of knowing a person well, or else they are classified as friend forever. If they try to kiss me at some random stage in our friendship it's going to feel like kissing my brother, if I had one.
Moral of the above story: men, if you are attracted to a woman, make it known early, even if you don't act on it right away. Then, as she forms a sold opinion of you, and you of her, you can both be creating a romantic partner avatar in your heads. Once the friend avatar is built, there can be conversion, but it's a much tougher road.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Home stretch, day two
Man, I am beat, America! Wednesdays are a tough haul for me--I drive somewhere around 100+ miles and have a back to back to back schedule. I entertained the idea of going to the gym. Then I realized I was too tired to move.
Rain. Lots of it. Gross.
I went out for some delicious sushi at the Drunken Fish last night. I love the bay area for its delicious food and just as delicious people. Both nourishing in their own ways.
Rain. Lots of it. Gross.
I went out for some delicious sushi at the Drunken Fish last night. I love the bay area for its delicious food and just as delicious people. Both nourishing in their own ways.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A month to go
Dear Jesus. One month left. Never thought it'd happen.
I'm having a good time in therapy, feel like I've got myself the most together now than I have in a long time. I'm actually feel as though I am emotionally ready for a relationship after I go on vacation for a couple weeks in April. I'm a bit too frazzled from work at this moment, but a couple short breaks and I'll be ready to rock.
As for being physically ready for a relationship...soccer season begins again this weekend, so that'll help, but I'd like some definition in my belly before anyone sees me naked. Currently trying out gyms, may go with 24 Hour Fitness and get a personal trainer, just for health and happiness in perpetuity, not just for this project.
From here on out, a short post a day. It's excitement time, America.
Reading:
I'm having a good time in therapy, feel like I've got myself the most together now than I have in a long time. I'm actually feel as though I am emotionally ready for a relationship after I go on vacation for a couple weeks in April. I'm a bit too frazzled from work at this moment, but a couple short breaks and I'll be ready to rock.
As for being physically ready for a relationship...soccer season begins again this weekend, so that'll help, but I'd like some definition in my belly before anyone sees me naked. Currently trying out gyms, may go with 24 Hour Fitness and get a personal trainer, just for health and happiness in perpetuity, not just for this project.
From here on out, a short post a day. It's excitement time, America.
Reading:
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Why I don't date
Okay, so I am generally not a dater. There are people out there who probably thought we dated, but I never classified it that way...but if one party calls it a date and the other doesn't, is it still a relationship? Kind of a tree falling in the woods situation.
But this isn't exactly what this post is about. I like to hang out with guys. Not exclusively, of course, my girl friends are who keep me sane! But I have a lot of guy friends. What worries me, however, is the few of those friends that would endanger our years of friendship for the opportunity to have sex with me. Now, sitting down and having a conversation about it is one thing, that the possibility of wrecking our current relationship even crossed the guy's mind makes me more likely to ultimately sleep with him. But if he just tries to jump my bones one night after hitting the scene he is so not getting anywhere! Are we, or are we not adults? We're not stupid teenagers anymore and we generally know what ramifications our actions will have.
This scenario recently happened to me. At home, I just shook my head, marveled at how quickly sex could revert us back to kids. This single action, had I allowed it, would have completely doomed our friendship.
Bottom line, if impulse control is still as issue with you at 30+, you might need to re-examine your thought processes. I know mine to be the exact opposite, a burden of over-thinking that will occasionally overwhelm me to the point that I'll just ignore the chatter in my head all together, come what may. I tend to do this less in relationships now, thanks in part to this fast, to therapy, and to growing up.
And a note to all you guy friends out there. If you're pining for your girl friends, be prepared to have a sit-down talk about going down the romantic road with her. If you just fall into bed one night in all likelihood you two will never speak again after that (maybe once or twice, super awkwardly before you fall off). If you're willing to sacrifice a friendship, by all means, try jumping right in. But if you want to sustain a relationship, even after (God forbid) you break up, be an adult, think it through, and talk first.
But this isn't exactly what this post is about. I like to hang out with guys. Not exclusively, of course, my girl friends are who keep me sane! But I have a lot of guy friends. What worries me, however, is the few of those friends that would endanger our years of friendship for the opportunity to have sex with me. Now, sitting down and having a conversation about it is one thing, that the possibility of wrecking our current relationship even crossed the guy's mind makes me more likely to ultimately sleep with him. But if he just tries to jump my bones one night after hitting the scene he is so not getting anywhere! Are we, or are we not adults? We're not stupid teenagers anymore and we generally know what ramifications our actions will have.
This scenario recently happened to me. At home, I just shook my head, marveled at how quickly sex could revert us back to kids. This single action, had I allowed it, would have completely doomed our friendship.
Bottom line, if impulse control is still as issue with you at 30+, you might need to re-examine your thought processes. I know mine to be the exact opposite, a burden of over-thinking that will occasionally overwhelm me to the point that I'll just ignore the chatter in my head all together, come what may. I tend to do this less in relationships now, thanks in part to this fast, to therapy, and to growing up.
And a note to all you guy friends out there. If you're pining for your girl friends, be prepared to have a sit-down talk about going down the romantic road with her. If you just fall into bed one night in all likelihood you two will never speak again after that (maybe once or twice, super awkwardly before you fall off). If you're willing to sacrifice a friendship, by all means, try jumping right in. But if you want to sustain a relationship, even after (God forbid) you break up, be an adult, think it through, and talk first.
Monday, February 7, 2011
A brand new day
Well, well. Guess who just got back into the game.
It's a month and a half til I can look at men in a romantic light again, and with the early, gorgeous California spring coming in like a wave of cologne, I'm taking it like a long-wave surfer...slow, easy and with ultimate panache. I've got a couple dates lined up this weekend, with strikingly similar young men. Skinny, Jewish, awkward, adorable...I can't really get into why I find the guys I do attractive. No one seems to particularly understand it, not even me, but I can only follow my heart.
I dropped my number to a very cute bartender today too...I mean, seriously, bartenders must get like a hundred numbers a night. But he liked Serenity and we bonded over it. He struck me as a young thing, but I'm young at heart so it usually works out.
Take note, America. It's about to get old-fashioned wild up in here. In fact, my friend Rebeccah is living my opposite life, taking on the deluge while I'm in my dearth, and we are discussing a year of vice-versa come May. Not sure if we can live through that, either of us, so we will see.
Later, America.
It's a month and a half til I can look at men in a romantic light again, and with the early, gorgeous California spring coming in like a wave of cologne, I'm taking it like a long-wave surfer...slow, easy and with ultimate panache. I've got a couple dates lined up this weekend, with strikingly similar young men. Skinny, Jewish, awkward, adorable...I can't really get into why I find the guys I do attractive. No one seems to particularly understand it, not even me, but I can only follow my heart.
I dropped my number to a very cute bartender today too...I mean, seriously, bartenders must get like a hundred numbers a night. But he liked Serenity and we bonded over it. He struck me as a young thing, but I'm young at heart so it usually works out.
Take note, America. It's about to get old-fashioned wild up in here. In fact, my friend Rebeccah is living my opposite life, taking on the deluge while I'm in my dearth, and we are discussing a year of vice-versa come May. Not sure if we can live through that, either of us, so we will see.
Later, America.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Snow days
Well, well. It turns out there's some sort of gigantic storm dumping snow on the east and even making it cold down in Texas. Hm. I miss snow, but not that much.
Puxatawney Phil didn't see his shadow, as the east dug out of deep snow, so there's an early spring coming. Here in California we already knew. Those crazy yellow tree/shrub things are blooming already. I don't know what these trees are, but the leaves look a bit like time ferns, and they produce so much pollen that a ridiculous amount of people are allergic.
It's been such a sunny winter! Usually the cloudiness really gets me down and I get kinda sad. La Nina, thanks little lady. The lack of malaise has gotten me better focused on the task at hand, getting myself right before this fast is over in a couple months. I'm continuing with some personal therapy, trying to address my internal isolationism (as manifested by a fast, of course!) and I'm wading into a little dating. Nothing serious, just a cup of tea here and there, sitting on a hill or in the cemetery, taking in a view. I've got no agenda and I'm not pushing things one way or another. It's very...peaceful. The new phase of my life will be a serene one.
It's late, so I'm going to try to catch some sleep. I've been a little sleepless lately, just too much to think about. Work is mighty busy now, lots of events to coordinate. Hopefully everything works out.
Puxatawney Phil didn't see his shadow, as the east dug out of deep snow, so there's an early spring coming. Here in California we already knew. Those crazy yellow tree/shrub things are blooming already. I don't know what these trees are, but the leaves look a bit like time ferns, and they produce so much pollen that a ridiculous amount of people are allergic.
It's been such a sunny winter! Usually the cloudiness really gets me down and I get kinda sad. La Nina, thanks little lady. The lack of malaise has gotten me better focused on the task at hand, getting myself right before this fast is over in a couple months. I'm continuing with some personal therapy, trying to address my internal isolationism (as manifested by a fast, of course!) and I'm wading into a little dating. Nothing serious, just a cup of tea here and there, sitting on a hill or in the cemetery, taking in a view. I've got no agenda and I'm not pushing things one way or another. It's very...peaceful. The new phase of my life will be a serene one.
It's late, so I'm going to try to catch some sleep. I've been a little sleepless lately, just too much to think about. Work is mighty busy now, lots of events to coordinate. Hopefully everything works out.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
New Year
Well, blog, it's a new year. I made pretty standard resolutions: write more, weigh less and get my black ass to Dublin. I've never flow across the pond, and a big, gorgeous city like Dublin will probably be an awesome start. I also kinda want to take my sister's dog on a vacation. Like to a ranch or something so she can run around. She doesn't get much chance to run around where she is. For that matter, I don't get much chance to run around being in a city, so it'd be as much for me as her. I'll have to see if I can work that out.
Getting back into the grind is tough after the holidays. I had forgotten that. I think I forget every year. I'm looking forward to Spring when everything is both winding down and ramping up again. Also Spring will bring the second half of my odyssey, wherein I can experience the pleasure of other people to a full extent again.
The east coast, where I spent my holiday, was as nice as I remembered it. It snowed on Christmas day in Atlanta. In Atlanta! Thanks, El Nino. It was just enough to cover everything in white, but not enough to inconvenience my travel too much. A lot of people got stuck in airports for a while, but I managed to beat the weather. It isn't to say the experience was without convenience, though. My bag got delayed overnight and came in the next morning on the only flight that wasn't grounded by weather. Lucky me! I just was without my various sundries for a few hours.
My book, When Heaven Calls, should be re-available on Amazon quite soon, I am link-imaging it. We ran out of the first batch so got a new one cooked up. I'm ghostwriting a piece right now and working on a sequel to WHC as well. It's slow going with work and life, but as I said, resolution to get more writing in.
Hope you holidays weren't a hassle, world, and I'll talk more in the new year!
Getting back into the grind is tough after the holidays. I had forgotten that. I think I forget every year. I'm looking forward to Spring when everything is both winding down and ramping up again. Also Spring will bring the second half of my odyssey, wherein I can experience the pleasure of other people to a full extent again.
The east coast, where I spent my holiday, was as nice as I remembered it. It snowed on Christmas day in Atlanta. In Atlanta! Thanks, El Nino. It was just enough to cover everything in white, but not enough to inconvenience my travel too much. A lot of people got stuck in airports for a while, but I managed to beat the weather. It isn't to say the experience was without convenience, though. My bag got delayed overnight and came in the next morning on the only flight that wasn't grounded by weather. Lucky me! I just was without my various sundries for a few hours.
My book, When Heaven Calls, should be re-available on Amazon quite soon, I am link-imaging it. We ran out of the first batch so got a new one cooked up. I'm ghostwriting a piece right now and working on a sequel to WHC as well. It's slow going with work and life, but as I said, resolution to get more writing in.
Hope you holidays weren't a hassle, world, and I'll talk more in the new year!
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