Hipster ho!

I hung out with a friend of mine, M, and his roommates for the first time.  He lives in a super-cute house, very student-friendly (he's a grad student), and the people he lives with are responsible and employed.  There was a new kid, one that had moved in not too long ago, with a friggin' handle-bar mustache.  At first I was...skeptical to say the least.  But then we bonded over Firefly and originally being from the same area back east.  He has blue eyes, which I am not always a fan of, but we were in semi-low light so his pupils were HUGE, black with just a thin ring of iris color round the edges. He has blonde/reddish hair and gets kind of shy and awkward at the best moments.  He likes/works with bikes and coordinates rides all over the place. He claims he's not a hipster.  He's just a bike messenger type guy.  I am skeptical about this as well.

The sticky point, he's only 23.  He's a mature 23, but still.  So after I get over the very attractive fantasy of sex with a 23 year old, I realize if anything goes down he's gonna have to see my 30 year old body and deal with my 30 year old issues and life.  Would that be fair?  My crazy just gets crazier every day!

He sure is pretty, though.

I'm pretty stoked my fast is nearly over, so I can consider him as a prospect.  We'll have to see how it all shakes out. 

A month to go

Dear Jesus.  One month left.  Never thought it'd happen.

I'm having a good time in therapy, feel like I've got myself the most together now than I have in a long time.  I'm actually feel as though I am emotionally ready for a relationship after I go on vacation for a couple weeks in April.  I'm a bit too frazzled from work at this moment, but a couple short breaks and I'll be ready to rock.

As for being physically ready for a relationship...soccer season begins again this weekend, so that'll help, but I'd like some definition in my belly before anyone sees me naked.  Currently trying out gyms, may go with 24 Hour Fitness and get a personal trainer, just for health and happiness in perpetuity, not just for this project.

From here on out, a short post a day.  It's excitement time, America.

Reading:

Why I don't date

Okay, so I am generally not a dater.  There are people out there who probably thought we dated, but I never classified it that way...but if one party calls it a date and the other doesn't, is it still a relationship?  Kind of a tree falling in the woods situation.

But this isn't exactly what this post is about.  I like to hang out with guys.  Not exclusively, of course, my girl friends are who keep me sane!  But I have a lot of guy friends. What worries me, however, is the few of those friends that would endanger our years of friendship for the opportunity to have sex with me.  Now, sitting down and having a conversation about it is one thing, that the possibility of wrecking our current relationship even crossed the guy's mind makes me more likely to ultimately sleep with him.  But if he just tries to jump my bones one night after hitting the scene he is so not getting anywhere!  Are we, or are we not adults?  We're not stupid teenagers anymore and we generally know what ramifications our actions will have.

This scenario recently happened to me.  At home, I just shook my head, marveled at how quickly sex could revert us back to kids.  This single action, had I allowed it, would have completely doomed our friendship.

Bottom line, if impulse control is still as issue with you at 30+, you might need to re-examine your thought processes.  I know mine to be the exact opposite, a burden of over-thinking that will occasionally overwhelm me to the point that I'll just ignore the chatter in my head all together, come what may.  I tend to do this less in relationships now, thanks in part to this fast, to therapy, and to growing up.

And a note to all you guy friends out there.  If you're pining for your girl friends, be prepared to have a sit-down talk about going down the romantic road with her.  If you just fall into bed one night in all likelihood you two will never speak again after that (maybe once or twice, super awkwardly before you fall off).  If you're willing to sacrifice a friendship, by all means, try jumping right in.  But if you want to sustain a relationship, even after (God forbid) you break up, be an adult, think it through, and talk first.

Don't forget how to love...

I just chatted with a friend of mine who was quite interested in how the fast was going.  I was truthful, I said it was going quite well.  I'm very content right now.  I've become something of a conscious observer, completely amused by the crazy/stupid/amazing/romantic/pathetic things people will do for or in love.  I chuckle or marvel or just plain stare and it's like watching a play.  I've begun to predict moves like I do when I watch soccer.  I see a man approach a woman too directly and I think, "No! play it to the corner flag, cross it to the D!"

The long and short of the convo, my friend said to me: Don't get so detached from the game that you forget how to love.

I believe this is one of my fatal flaws.  I am a non-stop observer, to the point that I am waaay too objective in relationships.  My partners can believe I am distance and/or unfeeling.  I'm not!  I feel plenty.  But I would agree on the distant.  My head rules over my heart.  I'll never do impulsive things because it'd be romantic or cute.  I think first, plan.  It's not something I'd like to do, I'd love to be spontaneous, but my health insists I always have a plan.  I need the right amount of sleep, to take the right meds, to eat at very regular intervals or I feel horrible.  I can't just stay up talking all night, or jump a plane to Vegas.  I would LOVE to.  But I cannot.  So I have obligatorily become a planner.  You win, world.  I am my mother.

At the same time, I can't say I've ever been in love.  My head, again, precludes that primary love response in me (the lust, the longing, the 'always on my mind').  Secondary love develops all the same (protectiveness, companionship, support) but the primary response has a very shallow bell-curve.  On the flip side, though, there are the relationships where primary response is through the roof, but secondary  isn't even in the picture.  Those are fun but burn like phosphorus. 

My days are wicked busy, my nights just as busy, and I'm having a blast doing field research.  Singles group continues, after 2 weeks off, and I'm finding some interesting things about myself.  I'll debrief when the group ends.

Till then America, happy reading!  I just started a new book.  This is the boring cover...the one I have is much more interesting.  I do enjoy novels made up of short stories. They're HARD to pull off, but worth it when they work.