Remember all that awesome weather I was talking about around five minutes ago? We are now in Bay Area's rainy season. So for the next four months it will be soggy and gray...a good time for the fast.
The lovely Giants and their march to the World Series have provided me with some pretty awesome entertainment, even without liking baseball much. It's also provided me with some killer eye-candy when going out to watch the games at bars and restaurants. It's all just an excuse to go out and hang with friends, anyway.
I dreamt about kissing one of my friends last night. Yikes! It isn't uncommon for me to have sex dreams, but this was different than that ... it was actually pretty sweet. He was really awkward and didn't know what to do...then he leaned over and kissed me. I was pleasantly surprised; it was nice. Of course when you're dreaming you don't think about consequences, or have any sense at all. In real life would be the voice inside my head screaming "no!" But here we are. A starved mind gets creative, I guess.
Speaking of awkward yet awesome, my friend L and I are thinking of putting together a trip to Peru for a Spanish Immersion adventure. Living in California has brought up the need for Spanish...I took French in high school (ha, that was applicable!), which helps in some cases, and confuses me in others. I'm really not a language person, but when I'm surrounded it, it kind of sinks in. The trip will be fun! I'm there to see some ruins for sure.
Check out what I'm reading these days, so you can climb inside my head. Til next time...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Quandry
Wow, way more than the next day, right!
I am currently pondering a very important question. The purpose of this fast is to bring me to a new maturity level so I can be prepared to enter into positive relationships once it is over. But is it helpful, then, to curb the chance at a fun and possibly fulfilling relationship purely for the sake of this artificial relationship-free period?
Of course I only ask myself things like this after the fact. There's no way to build on this relationship now. The opportunity has passed. To preserve fast, I had to completely remove myself from the situation in which I saw this person every day. It was getting too hard...and awkward. I'd forgotten how uncomfortable sexual tension can be when you can't do anything about it. It's fun when there's a chance of satisfaction. Otherwise it just kind of sucks.
Well, today is a Climate Change Action Day! 10/10/10! So I'm not taking my car anywhere today. It's feet and public transport. My grocery list will have to wait til tomorrow when I can schlep everything back to the apartment in a car. The weather has provided a lovely day for walking, and all the young people are out and about. Calif., you really can bring the sexy weather! Now bring me some young men to match!
I am currently pondering a very important question. The purpose of this fast is to bring me to a new maturity level so I can be prepared to enter into positive relationships once it is over. But is it helpful, then, to curb the chance at a fun and possibly fulfilling relationship purely for the sake of this artificial relationship-free period?
Of course I only ask myself things like this after the fact. There's no way to build on this relationship now. The opportunity has passed. To preserve fast, I had to completely remove myself from the situation in which I saw this person every day. It was getting too hard...and awkward. I'd forgotten how uncomfortable sexual tension can be when you can't do anything about it. It's fun when there's a chance of satisfaction. Otherwise it just kind of sucks.
Well, today is a Climate Change Action Day! 10/10/10! So I'm not taking my car anywhere today. It's feet and public transport. My grocery list will have to wait til tomorrow when I can schlep everything back to the apartment in a car. The weather has provided a lovely day for walking, and all the young people are out and about. Calif., you really can bring the sexy weather! Now bring me some young men to match!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
We rejoin our broadcast day!
Hey America!
I was just without internet for almost an entire month...excluding the iPhone of course. So much has happened, so much to tell! But it's so very late here and I am irritably tired. So I will save it, hopefully for tomorrow afternoon if I can swing it. This weekend I have three soccer games, a barbeque and a night out drinking with a friend scheduled. I hope I can do it all. C'mon, busted ankle, you can do this...
In other news, I've figured out my enneagram type. Type five. Clearly type five, with four wing. If you don't know what that means, feel free to read up. I'm linking one of the books I used. Very fun if you're into self-discovery, as I have become during this journey.
The fast soldiers on...getting harder day by day. The old libido is awake in this, the awesome days of Calif. weather. Like spring but better.
Until tomorrow (or as soon as I can get back to my computer), sleep tight, America.
I was just without internet for almost an entire month...excluding the iPhone of course. So much has happened, so much to tell! But it's so very late here and I am irritably tired. So I will save it, hopefully for tomorrow afternoon if I can swing it. This weekend I have three soccer games, a barbeque and a night out drinking with a friend scheduled. I hope I can do it all. C'mon, busted ankle, you can do this...
In other news, I've figured out my enneagram type. Type five. Clearly type five, with four wing. If you don't know what that means, feel free to read up. I'm linking one of the books I used. Very fun if you're into self-discovery, as I have become during this journey.
The fast soldiers on...getting harder day by day. The old libido is awake in this, the awesome days of Calif. weather. Like spring but better.
Until tomorrow (or as soon as I can get back to my computer), sleep tight, America.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
My worst nightmare
Today in singles class, we're going to talk about or faults and triumphs and barriers to close connections. As in, everyone in the group will kind of critique all other members in the group. Yikes. I do not enjoy verbally critiquing people. That's what the inside of my head is for. And I certainly do not like to have critiques hurled at me when I cannot rebut.
The format of this lesson is like being in writing workshop. You sit in the hotseat and take notes without addressing the comments coming your way. If the teacher (or therapist in this case) is nice, you get two minutes at the end of the session to make your case. It sounds terrible, but you get totally used to it. If I approach it in this manner, as outside novice eyes taking in something you've taken years (well, decades in the case of my psyche) to bring to fruition, one can ingest criticism and process the good stuff while dumping the bad. And my mother said writing classes would never help me in real life!
I'll let you know how this personality workshop thing goes.
On another note, in piggy-back to my last post, my very good friend L, mentioned in my Love vs Lust post way back in June, was my roommate for quite some time. I wonder if the forced intimacy of living situation falsely makes one believe in a connection that isn't as strong as they imagine? Or maybe it forces a person to delve deeper into another person than they may have if meeting incidentally on a street corner. Any thoughts?
I have been called cheerful or always happy or chipper or "damn chipper" about a half-dozen times this week. These are all things my ex-boyfriend and friends would never call me because I was always gloomy with them. I interpreted this as my being more serious than they were (because they were some silly, silly guys), but now I look back and realize I was simply unhappy. I can actually be silly around people I truly adore. I can also be quietly introspective without tension taut enough to force me to speak. I think, there-in lies a truly happy and fulfilling relationship, in which the two extremes can co-exist. One doesn't always have to be "on" to please the other person.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you find yourself bending too much to the other's moods, it's time to bail.
Also, I'm moving to Oakland. If anyone knows anything fun to do, let me know.
The format of this lesson is like being in writing workshop. You sit in the hotseat and take notes without addressing the comments coming your way. If the teacher (or therapist in this case) is nice, you get two minutes at the end of the session to make your case. It sounds terrible, but you get totally used to it. If I approach it in this manner, as outside novice eyes taking in something you've taken years (well, decades in the case of my psyche) to bring to fruition, one can ingest criticism and process the good stuff while dumping the bad. And my mother said writing classes would never help me in real life!
I'll let you know how this personality workshop thing goes.
On another note, in piggy-back to my last post, my very good friend L, mentioned in my Love vs Lust post way back in June, was my roommate for quite some time. I wonder if the forced intimacy of living situation falsely makes one believe in a connection that isn't as strong as they imagine? Or maybe it forces a person to delve deeper into another person than they may have if meeting incidentally on a street corner. Any thoughts?
I have been called cheerful or always happy or chipper or "damn chipper" about a half-dozen times this week. These are all things my ex-boyfriend and friends would never call me because I was always gloomy with them. I interpreted this as my being more serious than they were (because they were some silly, silly guys), but now I look back and realize I was simply unhappy. I can actually be silly around people I truly adore. I can also be quietly introspective without tension taut enough to force me to speak. I think, there-in lies a truly happy and fulfilling relationship, in which the two extremes can co-exist. One doesn't always have to be "on" to please the other person.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you find yourself bending too much to the other's moods, it's time to bail.
Also, I'm moving to Oakland. If anyone knows anything fun to do, let me know.
Monday, August 30, 2010
A discussion among friends
So a certain topic came up lately, that I'm sure you, America, have wondered about. What of the innocent pass-time of ahem "self pleasure"? Is this allowed on fast?
Short answer is, it hasn't come up yet, so there have been no definite rules laid down on my part. Or I guess that's the long answer Short answer is "yes." I grew up Catholic, so stuff like this was forbidden to discuss. Well I'm grown the hell up now, and the practice has it's place. It keeps you from going crazy sometimes, and I think it'll come up eventually in my journey. If it helps me stick to my fast (and Lord, it's getting harder and harder) I will employ it.
And speaking of...there must be something about a boy you'll probably never spend much time with ever again. Men can be difficult to pin down, but when you incidentally LIVE with them, they kinda become a part of your brain. And then you miss them when they aren't there, like a memory you can't quite get a hold on, but you know it's important. *shrugs* It's too late for me to be thinking of this; I should be sleeping.
I was just watching True Blood. Anyone else think Erik is way better than Bill? Bill's boring. Sorry.
Short answer is, it hasn't come up yet, so there have been no definite rules laid down on my part. Or I guess that's the long answer Short answer is "yes." I grew up Catholic, so stuff like this was forbidden to discuss. Well I'm grown the hell up now, and the practice has it's place. It keeps you from going crazy sometimes, and I think it'll come up eventually in my journey. If it helps me stick to my fast (and Lord, it's getting harder and harder) I will employ it.
And speaking of...there must be something about a boy you'll probably never spend much time with ever again. Men can be difficult to pin down, but when you incidentally LIVE with them, they kinda become a part of your brain. And then you miss them when they aren't there, like a memory you can't quite get a hold on, but you know it's important. *shrugs* It's too late for me to be thinking of this; I should be sleeping.
I was just watching True Blood. Anyone else think Erik is way better than Bill? Bill's boring. Sorry.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Don't forget how to love...
I just chatted with a friend of mine who was quite interested in how the fast was going. I was truthful, I said it was going quite well. I'm very content right now. I've become something of a conscious observer, completely amused by the crazy/stupid/amazing/romantic/pathetic things people will do for or in love. I chuckle or marvel or just plain stare and it's like watching a play. I've begun to predict moves like I do when I watch soccer. I see a man approach a woman too directly and I think, "No! play it to the corner flag, cross it to the D!"
The long and short of the convo, my friend said to me: Don't get so detached from the game that you forget how to love.
I believe this is one of my fatal flaws. I am a non-stop observer, to the point that I am waaay too objective in relationships. My partners can believe I am distance and/or unfeeling. I'm not! I feel plenty. But I would agree on the distant. My head rules over my heart. I'll never do impulsive things because it'd be romantic or cute. I think first, plan. It's not something I'd like to do, I'd love to be spontaneous, but my health insists I always have a plan. I need the right amount of sleep, to take the right meds, to eat at very regular intervals or I feel horrible. I can't just stay up talking all night, or jump a plane to Vegas. I would LOVE to. But I cannot. So I have obligatorily become a planner. You win, world. I am my mother.
At the same time, I can't say I've ever been in love. My head, again, precludes that primary love response in me (the lust, the longing, the 'always on my mind'). Secondary love develops all the same (protectiveness, companionship, support) but the primary response has a very shallow bell-curve. On the flip side, though, there are the relationships where primary response is through the roof, but secondary isn't even in the picture. Those are fun but burn like phosphorus.
My days are wicked busy, my nights just as busy, and I'm having a blast doing field research. Singles group continues, after 2 weeks off, and I'm finding some interesting things about myself. I'll debrief when the group ends.
Till then America, happy reading! I just started a new book. This is the boring cover...the one I have is much more interesting. I do enjoy novels made up of short stories. They're HARD to pull off, but worth it when they work.
The long and short of the convo, my friend said to me: Don't get so detached from the game that you forget how to love.
I believe this is one of my fatal flaws. I am a non-stop observer, to the point that I am waaay too objective in relationships. My partners can believe I am distance and/or unfeeling. I'm not! I feel plenty. But I would agree on the distant. My head rules over my heart. I'll never do impulsive things because it'd be romantic or cute. I think first, plan. It's not something I'd like to do, I'd love to be spontaneous, but my health insists I always have a plan. I need the right amount of sleep, to take the right meds, to eat at very regular intervals or I feel horrible. I can't just stay up talking all night, or jump a plane to Vegas. I would LOVE to. But I cannot. So I have obligatorily become a planner. You win, world. I am my mother.
At the same time, I can't say I've ever been in love. My head, again, precludes that primary love response in me (the lust, the longing, the 'always on my mind'). Secondary love develops all the same (protectiveness, companionship, support) but the primary response has a very shallow bell-curve. On the flip side, though, there are the relationships where primary response is through the roof, but secondary isn't even in the picture. Those are fun but burn like phosphorus.
My days are wicked busy, my nights just as busy, and I'm having a blast doing field research. Singles group continues, after 2 weeks off, and I'm finding some interesting things about myself. I'll debrief when the group ends.
Till then America, happy reading! I just started a new book. This is the boring cover...the one I have is much more interesting. I do enjoy novels made up of short stories. They're HARD to pull off, but worth it when they work.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
It's official
I have now conquered three mediums...or four, maybe. The written/printed word, television, the internet sensation of blogging, and just now the radio waves. I suppose I have the big screen left. That's on the list to be checked off before I die. I have no doubt I'll pull it off. Well, a little doubt. Or maybe more that I won't be in front of the camera, but perhaps will have written the screenplay. All this aside, I had a radio interview today for a book I published in May (called When Heaven Calls). Radio has yet to grow on me...it's weird speaking to people I can't see. I suppose an in-studio interview would be more organic.
And so goes the fast. Sigh. Iowa City was spectacular! The class I took was amazing and I came back here with a lot of ideas and starts for stories. But there were so many adorably smart people, and a person I can't even quite describe except he was probably the prettiest man I have ever spoken to for an extended period of time. Wow. I feel like maybe the world's playing a gigantic trick on me.
In other news, a woman I work with told me she has a crush on me. I'm not entirely sure how to feel about that. When I'm at work my emotion-meter is set to off, so it kind of fell on deaf ears and a blank face. She felt like it was something indefinable that drew her in...I wonder if it's my aloof nature right now. Lot's of guys are also coming up to me more now that I have zero interest. *Gasp!* Did I just discover the crazy secret to attraction? Apparently it's universal (gentlemen).
I've had a very busy month, and I'm looking forward to another one like this. I feel like my life may settle by the end of September, maybe October. But what's settling, really? Settling's just a slow way of dying! Shake it up, America!
As I have not gotten into any new books lately, I'm linking my OWN book to this entry. Yikes.
Also, just to bring down the jerk-factor, I'm also throwing in Dan Chaon's book Await Your Reply. It kept me so entertained...for about two days. I just bombed through it and was sad to finish it. Dan Chaon, your brain is a thing of beauty. I am honored to have taken a class with you in undergrad.
And so goes the fast. Sigh. Iowa City was spectacular! The class I took was amazing and I came back here with a lot of ideas and starts for stories. But there were so many adorably smart people, and a person I can't even quite describe except he was probably the prettiest man I have ever spoken to for an extended period of time. Wow. I feel like maybe the world's playing a gigantic trick on me.
In other news, a woman I work with told me she has a crush on me. I'm not entirely sure how to feel about that. When I'm at work my emotion-meter is set to off, so it kind of fell on deaf ears and a blank face. She felt like it was something indefinable that drew her in...I wonder if it's my aloof nature right now. Lot's of guys are also coming up to me more now that I have zero interest. *Gasp!* Did I just discover the crazy secret to attraction? Apparently it's universal (gentlemen).
I've had a very busy month, and I'm looking forward to another one like this. I feel like my life may settle by the end of September, maybe October. But what's settling, really? Settling's just a slow way of dying! Shake it up, America!
As I have not gotten into any new books lately, I'm linking my OWN book to this entry. Yikes.
Also, just to bring down the jerk-factor, I'm also throwing in Dan Chaon's book Await Your Reply. It kept me so entertained...for about two days. I just bombed through it and was sad to finish it. Dan Chaon, your brain is a thing of beauty. I am honored to have taken a class with you in undergrad.
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