All right, well I've got about three months until The Fast is over. With this in mind, I'm starting to lift my chin up and pay attention more to people from a romantic standpoint. I even flirted a little the other day. I'm a liiiittle rusty, but it's kinda like jumping on a bike.
So a young man wandered into my purview. I'd always kind of thought he was intriguing...dark haired, quiet, different, very much my type in theory, but I'm on fast and we worked together so I pretty much ignored the inkling. But we no longer work together, and here I am on my way out of this fast. We ended up at the same restaurant with a group of friends and we spent the night chatting primarily with one another. Nice start. He's got this intense stare. I like it a lot. I don't anticipate him contacting me, however. Remember me saying he was quiet? Code for awkward. I LOVE awkward. But it does make interaction difficult.
Also there are the holidays coming up. These are intrinsically lonely times. I'd like to one day settle down and get married...the kid part remains to be seen, but maybe that would evolve. In this same vein, I found out my ex-boyfriend from college just got engaged. Awesome.
Okay, winter here is just miserable, rainy and cold, but it also comes with the knowledge that in two-three months the sun's going to be out for eight months straight, and the hills that have only just regained their emerald luster will begin to fade to a brilliant gold, and about a billion plants will spring up, wildflowers in the glens while hiking, and the air will smell sweet in the heat courtesy of the sexy Ponderosa pine. Man, I love California. When it quits raining I need to get back to exercising and snap this body back into shape. After all, no one's seen me naked since frickin' March.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
A Revelation
Hi blog,
Alright, well I've been spending a lot of time alone lately (duh) for the purposes of figuring myself out. I'm enjoying taking classes and exploring my inner-space, but for the first time since I can really remember, I actually feel lonely. I've always been running too fast, going too many places, doing too many activities to ever feel it.
It isn't a sad kind of lonely, like needing someone to fill some void, to make me whole. It's more that I just realized human beings are intrinsically social creatures. I mean, I'm completely fine by myself, but with the right person I'm better. That's what I need to look for. It isn't ok to settle for who's around, thinking it will grow into something comfortable and convenient. It might even be a struggle sometimes, but to reach another level of ... me, I need others. Be they friends, family, or significant partner, others are a very important part of who I am and who I'll be.
So as I was browsing through J-date, wondering if I was even allowed to look, I laughed at my interest and closed my browser. I can't even get into this stuff until I'm free to get out there and jump in with all my clothes on. All in or nothin'! Til April, if someone interesting walks up to me in person, I can keep them in mind for Spring. By then I'll be downright rusty on social gatherings and will need someone to guide me, show the ropes again, then help me climb to brand new heights.
Reading:
Alright, well I've been spending a lot of time alone lately (duh) for the purposes of figuring myself out. I'm enjoying taking classes and exploring my inner-space, but for the first time since I can really remember, I actually feel lonely. I've always been running too fast, going too many places, doing too many activities to ever feel it.
It isn't a sad kind of lonely, like needing someone to fill some void, to make me whole. It's more that I just realized human beings are intrinsically social creatures. I mean, I'm completely fine by myself, but with the right person I'm better. That's what I need to look for. It isn't ok to settle for who's around, thinking it will grow into something comfortable and convenient. It might even be a struggle sometimes, but to reach another level of ... me, I need others. Be they friends, family, or significant partner, others are a very important part of who I am and who I'll be.
So as I was browsing through J-date, wondering if I was even allowed to look, I laughed at my interest and closed my browser. I can't even get into this stuff until I'm free to get out there and jump in with all my clothes on. All in or nothin'! Til April, if someone interesting walks up to me in person, I can keep them in mind for Spring. By then I'll be downright rusty on social gatherings and will need someone to guide me, show the ropes again, then help me climb to brand new heights.
Reading:
Sunday, November 28, 2010
East vs West
Well hello Blog, and good morning to you, viewers.
This might be a little bit quick, because I'm running out the door to go see the new visitor's center at the Capital building, but holy moley. As a people watcher, I just gotta say, people in California are inordinately pretty in comparison to the rest of the country. I'm off on Thanksgiving holiday, away from the beloved bay area, and I am just coming to realize that I am a spoiled brat. The mindset, the hipster kids, the over-all stylishness...California kicks ass on all counts.
Well, East Coast, I'm in my old home-town haunts. Wow me.
Currently reading:
This might be a little bit quick, because I'm running out the door to go see the new visitor's center at the Capital building, but holy moley. As a people watcher, I just gotta say, people in California are inordinately pretty in comparison to the rest of the country. I'm off on Thanksgiving holiday, away from the beloved bay area, and I am just coming to realize that I am a spoiled brat. The mindset, the hipster kids, the over-all stylishness...California kicks ass on all counts.
Well, East Coast, I'm in my old home-town haunts. Wow me.
Currently reading:
Friday, November 12, 2010
Kids
Okay. I have nothing against kids, per se. Most of the kids I meet are pretty awesome...actually I'm finding kids a lot more tolerable than I used to in my younger days. But enough is enough.
Having kids is an entirely selfish act these days. We are way past "bust" as a species, but modern medicine is sustaining our obscene numbers. Yes, my green roots are showing -- I'm an environmentalist at heart. All the advocating and good behavior on my part can't put a dent in the monstrosity that is 7 billion in population. It was 6 billion when we spoke about population issues in undergrad! 6.5 in grad school ... 7 now. WTF is happening, people?? Can it really be considered responsible for some religions to denounce birth control?
Religions must be advocating for human rights, for "dominion" over nature, but to consider human beings as outside of nature, apart from it, as though the earth will simply bend to the will of an out-of-control replicating species. An ecosystem will bend, but eventually the singular species has the break. This "break" comes in the form of famine, drought, overall suffering. How can a religion advocate for this.
Intellectually, I get this. But when you think about yourself and that other person you've managed to find that you think might be good enough to replicate with, you think ... man, I'd sure like to see what a combo of me and him would be like. And, selfishly on my part, I'd like to be able to eat whatever I wanted for nine months without thinking about my figure.
Of course this is all theoretical at this point. If the time comes ... dammit, I might just have a lil critter. And maybe two so the kid has a friend. What IS that? Am I crazy? I recycle, I have my own meal worm bin to compost in my back yard, I haven't used a heater in five years to save energy, but I would bring forth the most energy intensive, resource guzzling, super-parasite on the planet: an American. Man. Hormones do a number on the logical brain.
So this may be my most controversial post ever. Sorry. It just crossed my mind now while I'm still rational. If I have kids, I'm sure I'll intellectually justify my decision on the other side. Like: well, the world needs more rational beings, why not some of mine? I will look back on this post and try to kill my doubt.
Check the fun stuff I've been thinking about with my Amazon links. Population Reduction is a band a friend of mine started in college. He's the drummer...and a screamer. There's only two members. He always characterized the music as "grindcore." Pop bomb I read back around then, and Idiocracy has an opening sequence that typifies a lot of what I think about the human population today ... and why maybe smart people, the ones that justify waiting or abstaining, should start cranking out a kid or two. So many conflicting messages! Help me Jeebus!
Having kids is an entirely selfish act these days. We are way past "bust" as a species, but modern medicine is sustaining our obscene numbers. Yes, my green roots are showing -- I'm an environmentalist at heart. All the advocating and good behavior on my part can't put a dent in the monstrosity that is 7 billion in population. It was 6 billion when we spoke about population issues in undergrad! 6.5 in grad school ... 7 now. WTF is happening, people?? Can it really be considered responsible for some religions to denounce birth control?
Religions must be advocating for human rights, for "dominion" over nature, but to consider human beings as outside of nature, apart from it, as though the earth will simply bend to the will of an out-of-control replicating species. An ecosystem will bend, but eventually the singular species has the break. This "break" comes in the form of famine, drought, overall suffering. How can a religion advocate for this.
Intellectually, I get this. But when you think about yourself and that other person you've managed to find that you think might be good enough to replicate with, you think ... man, I'd sure like to see what a combo of me and him would be like. And, selfishly on my part, I'd like to be able to eat whatever I wanted for nine months without thinking about my figure.
Of course this is all theoretical at this point. If the time comes ... dammit, I might just have a lil critter. And maybe two so the kid has a friend. What IS that? Am I crazy? I recycle, I have my own meal worm bin to compost in my back yard, I haven't used a heater in five years to save energy, but I would bring forth the most energy intensive, resource guzzling, super-parasite on the planet: an American. Man. Hormones do a number on the logical brain.
So this may be my most controversial post ever. Sorry. It just crossed my mind now while I'm still rational. If I have kids, I'm sure I'll intellectually justify my decision on the other side. Like: well, the world needs more rational beings, why not some of mine? I will look back on this post and try to kill my doubt.
Check the fun stuff I've been thinking about with my Amazon links. Population Reduction is a band a friend of mine started in college. He's the drummer...and a screamer. There's only two members. He always characterized the music as "grindcore." Pop bomb I read back around then, and Idiocracy has an opening sequence that typifies a lot of what I think about the human population today ... and why maybe smart people, the ones that justify waiting or abstaining, should start cranking out a kid or two. So many conflicting messages! Help me Jeebus!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A new proposal
Alright, so I am now thinking of a two year project in which the first I fast (drought) and the second I am completely open to all viable relationships (deluge). My friend R is currently rocking the deluge. The plan is to write this into a two-part or two-person book, one on the drought and one on the deluge. However, we brainstormed that it'd be quite interesting if we each did both.
You might ask 'why'? Well, drought is kinda easy for me as an introvert, and deluge is relatively easy for R because she's an extrovert. The flip side is going to be tough for each of us...and it will probably make for the most-interesting stint of this project for us both.
Logistics, we still have to plan. The thought of opening myself up to heartbreak is quite scary. However, who knows? What if it leads me to a fulfilling relationship?
In other news, to coin a new term: boomerangs. These are the dudes that can't handle me when I'm around but totally miss me when they or I move away. Facebook friends. iPhone texts. "Hey when you're in town we should hang out"s. Boomerangs. I'm awesome, fellas. Figure that out before you run from my awesomeness. Boomerangs are lame.
Alright, it's late. Sleepy time.
You might ask 'why'? Well, drought is kinda easy for me as an introvert, and deluge is relatively easy for R because she's an extrovert. The flip side is going to be tough for each of us...and it will probably make for the most-interesting stint of this project for us both.
Logistics, we still have to plan. The thought of opening myself up to heartbreak is quite scary. However, who knows? What if it leads me to a fulfilling relationship?
In other news, to coin a new term: boomerangs. These are the dudes that can't handle me when I'm around but totally miss me when they or I move away. Facebook friends. iPhone texts. "Hey when you're in town we should hang out"s. Boomerangs. I'm awesome, fellas. Figure that out before you run from my awesomeness. Boomerangs are lame.
Alright, it's late. Sleepy time.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Let the rain begin
Remember all that awesome weather I was talking about around five minutes ago? We are now in Bay Area's rainy season. So for the next four months it will be soggy and gray...a good time for the fast.
The lovely Giants and their march to the World Series have provided me with some pretty awesome entertainment, even without liking baseball much. It's also provided me with some killer eye-candy when going out to watch the games at bars and restaurants. It's all just an excuse to go out and hang with friends, anyway.
I dreamt about kissing one of my friends last night. Yikes! It isn't uncommon for me to have sex dreams, but this was different than that ... it was actually pretty sweet. He was really awkward and didn't know what to do...then he leaned over and kissed me. I was pleasantly surprised; it was nice. Of course when you're dreaming you don't think about consequences, or have any sense at all. In real life would be the voice inside my head screaming "no!" But here we are. A starved mind gets creative, I guess.
Speaking of awkward yet awesome, my friend L and I are thinking of putting together a trip to Peru for a Spanish Immersion adventure. Living in California has brought up the need for Spanish...I took French in high school (ha, that was applicable!), which helps in some cases, and confuses me in others. I'm really not a language person, but when I'm surrounded it, it kind of sinks in. The trip will be fun! I'm there to see some ruins for sure.
Check out what I'm reading these days, so you can climb inside my head. Til next time...
The lovely Giants and their march to the World Series have provided me with some pretty awesome entertainment, even without liking baseball much. It's also provided me with some killer eye-candy when going out to watch the games at bars and restaurants. It's all just an excuse to go out and hang with friends, anyway.
I dreamt about kissing one of my friends last night. Yikes! It isn't uncommon for me to have sex dreams, but this was different than that ... it was actually pretty sweet. He was really awkward and didn't know what to do...then he leaned over and kissed me. I was pleasantly surprised; it was nice. Of course when you're dreaming you don't think about consequences, or have any sense at all. In real life would be the voice inside my head screaming "no!" But here we are. A starved mind gets creative, I guess.
Speaking of awkward yet awesome, my friend L and I are thinking of putting together a trip to Peru for a Spanish Immersion adventure. Living in California has brought up the need for Spanish...I took French in high school (ha, that was applicable!), which helps in some cases, and confuses me in others. I'm really not a language person, but when I'm surrounded it, it kind of sinks in. The trip will be fun! I'm there to see some ruins for sure.
Check out what I'm reading these days, so you can climb inside my head. Til next time...
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Quandry
Wow, way more than the next day, right!
I am currently pondering a very important question. The purpose of this fast is to bring me to a new maturity level so I can be prepared to enter into positive relationships once it is over. But is it helpful, then, to curb the chance at a fun and possibly fulfilling relationship purely for the sake of this artificial relationship-free period?
Of course I only ask myself things like this after the fact. There's no way to build on this relationship now. The opportunity has passed. To preserve fast, I had to completely remove myself from the situation in which I saw this person every day. It was getting too hard...and awkward. I'd forgotten how uncomfortable sexual tension can be when you can't do anything about it. It's fun when there's a chance of satisfaction. Otherwise it just kind of sucks.
Well, today is a Climate Change Action Day! 10/10/10! So I'm not taking my car anywhere today. It's feet and public transport. My grocery list will have to wait til tomorrow when I can schlep everything back to the apartment in a car. The weather has provided a lovely day for walking, and all the young people are out and about. Calif., you really can bring the sexy weather! Now bring me some young men to match!
I am currently pondering a very important question. The purpose of this fast is to bring me to a new maturity level so I can be prepared to enter into positive relationships once it is over. But is it helpful, then, to curb the chance at a fun and possibly fulfilling relationship purely for the sake of this artificial relationship-free period?
Of course I only ask myself things like this after the fact. There's no way to build on this relationship now. The opportunity has passed. To preserve fast, I had to completely remove myself from the situation in which I saw this person every day. It was getting too hard...and awkward. I'd forgotten how uncomfortable sexual tension can be when you can't do anything about it. It's fun when there's a chance of satisfaction. Otherwise it just kind of sucks.
Well, today is a Climate Change Action Day! 10/10/10! So I'm not taking my car anywhere today. It's feet and public transport. My grocery list will have to wait til tomorrow when I can schlep everything back to the apartment in a car. The weather has provided a lovely day for walking, and all the young people are out and about. Calif., you really can bring the sexy weather! Now bring me some young men to match!
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